A little bit of life lately

Here is a snapshot of a little bit of our life lately. It's been a fun Christmas season so far, and we have had fun getting together with friends. I have been feeling like a puffy mama lately. My hands and feel are getting swollen and it's hard to wear my shoes and wedding ring. You can't really tell just by looking, but when you type as much as I do in any given day you definitely notice little sausage fingers! Small price to pay, but not so fun. :) Other than that and the occasional headache...well lets me honest, migraine, the pregnancy is progressing well! Loving the fact that we are officially a "girl family" more and more everyday!! Here are a few pics of some things we have been up to lately.

Our small group Christmas party....I didn't get any pics of the amazingly cute decorations, but it was awesome. The party later turned into a sock bun tutorial party...how did we do!? :) 

Max & Levi went to see Santa. I wasn't there for this but couldn't help but post. Beyond precious!

 



The belly keeps growing and growing and growing....if you are tempted to say, "You don't look that big for twins at 18 weeks" take a look at 12 weeks! Oh my! The way a body can transform in 6 short weeks is crazy. :) I have to add that around the time of that 12 week picture I was walking around all week saying, "Oh my goodness Lance...I had no idea my stomach would get big so fast!!"

 

I'm just sitting at my computer laughing at the potential for "largeness" in the coming weeks and months. What is 18-24 and then 24-30 gonna look like!? I guess time will tell!! 

 

Here is our nursery bedding....I thought I was going to coordinate and not be "matchy-matchy" but I changed my mind and we are going with identical lavender and white bedding! I LOVE it!!

That's about all as of lately. Not sure why the pictures all posted kind of weird. Happy Monday. I saw 32 kids today and am looking forward to my couch, a movie and a giant glass of water...whew!!

Prayer

I have been trying to gather my thoughts on this horrible shooting in CT all weekend. It is just really so hard to grasp. How can this happen? How could a person do something so horrible? What in someones life leads them in this awful, scary directions causing a complete loss of emotion or empathy for others.

I was thinking today about how I believe that every human being has some level of goodness in their soul. How could they not? We have been created in the image of God. We come into the world perfect, and although we are instantly subject to the evil nature of this world, we have goodness within us. All of us do.

So many times when you hear these stories of awful, brutal tragedies, the end result is the offender ending his or her own life. Is it because they are afraid if they get caught they are going to go to jail? I doubt it. I think it is because they are deeply troubled and conflicted withing themselves. The literal battle between good and evil, is tormenting them. In these cases evil wins. Satan claims another person.

I know mental illness is real. I won't pretend to understand a thing about it because lots of people go to school for lots and lots of years to be the experts on this stuff. However, as an outsider I think we are all overlooking something very real right here in suburban America and that is that Satan is STILL prowling around like a roaring lion seeking to kill and destroy. All I could think of when I was thinking about the gunman who shot these kids was "evil". There is no other word I can think of to describe something like this. I thought to myself, "this person was truly evil". But evil comes from Satan. He feeds us lies big and small.

I hate guns. I would be happy to live in a world where no civilian is allowed to have a gun. But I'm not sure this is the biggest issue here. As Christians we know that evil exists and it is our job to pray against it for the sake of those that can't pray it against themselves. Children. As of today I am praying over the hearts of my two unborn children and my little girl in Africa. I am praying that God enter into the deepest parts of their souls and protect them from the evil one. I'm not a parent yet, but this has been eye opening for me to realize that is it my responsibility to pray that only God enter the hearts and minds of my children because there is a powerful force out there that would love nothing more than to steal and destroy the pure heart of a child. I want my kids to hear the word of God prayed over them so much that once they are older they will believe it and pray it over themselves.

We can increase gun laws, and raise awareness on mental illness, which is all so important. However, we also have the power of prayer on our side and we know that Satan has no power over the holy name of Jesus. Tonight I find myself wondering how much of a radical change we could make if every parent pleaded with God daily for the hearts of their children. If every church begged God to enter where Satan lurks. This was a reminder that this battle is not over. Spiritual warfare is still so real and with my little ones on the way I am feeling a HUGE sense of responsibility for the protection of their little pure souls.

Something I will be thinking about.

WEEKEND

Not much to post on today.
Babies are moving around like CRAZY!
So happy it is the weekend.
Looking forward to sleep.
House needs to be cleaned.
Groceries need to be bought.
Lots of Christmas parties to attend.
Baby GIRL bedding to be registered for.
Some adoption books need to be finished so I can start my next round of reading.
Considering memorizing another chapter or two from the bible. Still blessed every day by memorizing most of James. Suggestions?
Christmas gifts need to be purchased. I have ZERO people.
Friend who just lost her grandma needS a big hug.
Husband who is amazing every day needs one too!

LOOKING FORWARD TO MY WEEKEND!! HOPE YOUR IS GREAT TOO!!

The tale of two "winkies"

This weekend was our gender reveal party! I have been looking forward to this since the time we found out we were pregnant and looking forward to it even more once we found out we were having twins! But let me back up a bit and tell the whole story of the weeks and months leading up to this party.

When we found out we were pregnant we started having routine ultrasounds pretty soon since I was considered "high risk" for a while. Anyway, around 10 weeks I casually said, "I wish we could know the gender of the babies, too bad it's too soon". My doctor looked surprised and said "Really? Because I think we can actually see what one baby is." He then proceeded to say, "unless the cord is in just the right spot I think I see a winkie on Baby A". That's the word he used! :) 

Fast forward a couple weeks and I started seeing a regular OB. I was telling her how the specialist saw a "winkie" and she looked and looked and said, "I think he was right. I see a bright little spot right there that looks like it just may be a boy." I then asked her if it was baby A she was talking about and she said no it was baby B! She said it was too early to tell for sure but regardless there was a possible "winkie" spotting on both babies! I started imagining life with little boys. Only really looked at little boy clothes at the stores and gave my boy names some serious thought! :)

Fast forward another month or so and I had another ultrasound. I told her we weren't going to find out the gender until we were with our family. She then told me if I didn't want to see what the gender was I probably needed to look away because it was very clear! I assumed this meant boy on the particular baby she was talking about. I mean that would be what was easy to spot right?! So I didn't look and went home sure it was two boys and maybe just maybe a boy and a girl.

We had our anatomy scan on Friday and Bethany went with us to find out the gender and then keep it from us. When it was time to scan the "gender parts" she told us to look away. It then took her less than what seemed like 2 seconds to type it up on the screen to tell Betho what it was. Further, proving that it was of course boys in there! 

Betho kept it to herself for the next 24 hours and made cookies with cake balls in them. Delish! She filled all the cookies with white cake with the exception of two which had the color of the gender in them. We had family and friends over and every person got a cake ball cookie. Then at the same time we all broke our cookies in half and waited to see what colors were yelled out. 

Well in about 5 seconds I hear PINK and start immediately looking to see who has blue! Then about 5 seconds after that I hear PINK again!!!!!  Ummmm.....my head was spinning! I was in complete and utter shock!! TWO GIRLS!! Have I mentioned that having twin girls has been my dream since I was a little girl! I really just could not believe it. I told Lance I couldn't believe we just broke open some cookies and our lives were changed forever! 

So, in the next few months we will be adding two little girls and then in the months following that we will be adding a third little girl when our Jane Jordan finally comes home! It still hasn't sunk in. Not sure when it will, but we are so thankful!!

We CANNOT wait to meet you sweet little Nora Beth & Zoe Rose! I don't think we will need to worry about Jane lacking love in this house of sweet SISTERS! I am very blessed! :) 

Someone is outnumbered, but very excited! :) 

 Two little cookies that changed everything....hehe!

Waiting out the traffic....

I work late on Tuesday night (at my old job from when we lived in town) and due to the hail and huge storm I am choosing to sit in my office until almost 8pm so I can wait out the crazy people on the hwy! I am kind of cringing to see if my new car is damaged from the hail. :(

Anyway, not much to post about so I guess I will just ramble on for a few minutes. I experienced my first run in with braxton hicks contractions today. Did you know with twins you can expect all symptoms to appear like 5-8 weeks early! hehe I woke up this morning to my stomach feeling so tight and then seriously took 3 hours getting ready for work because my instinct was telling me to just take it easy today. So I did! :) I called the doctor and they explained to me what it was and it made me feel much better.

I am officially feeling very pregnant. Like, puffy and just much larger in lots of places. And it is just very all of a sudden. I will be honest, as much as I have been on cloud 9 with this pregnancy I have struggled a bit with the creeping numbers on the scale. I really had to stop and force myself to put things into perspective today. I am having twins. There are TWO babies with all there accompanying parts in my belly and I am going to gain weight. Maybe a lot. Probably a lot. I think it is time I just embrace and make a plan to get rid of it post baby! I know this is SO ridiculous but I had it in my head I would go almost full term with these babies and only gain about 20 pounds. Yeah, not gonna happen! Not sure where I even got that!!

Friday is the big gender ultrasound! Have I mentioned I am excited!? I really am. I still cannot believe this is happening to me. That this is the current reality I am living out. It is just so very exciting and surreal. I think my guess is two boys but we will see. I'm not sold 100% on my all blue outfit for the party. But no combination could go wrong! 2 boys and Jane can maintain her position on her thrown, one of each and Jane gets a sister and two girls, well, everyone is still happy but good luck Lance! :) I really just do not care one bit. I just want to see healthy little babies on Friday when we go in. However, I have been at peace this whole pregnancy about the health of these babies because no matter what they are, healthy or not, they are the little people God created them to be and we are the people He chose to parent them! I pray for their health every day but I know they are already perfect! I feel so blessed!! 

Aside from pregnancy I am still learning how to be a school Speech Therapist and it's not easy people! I. do. so. much. paperwork. and I. see. SO. many. kids! I think by the time I leave to have these babies my caseload will be over 70! Talk about multi tasking...and have I mentioned that is not my strength in life? Yeah, its really not. But I love the little munchkins I work with and hope amidst all the legal junk and paperwork I am making a little bit of a difference! But it is a very big change from having one child walk into my office at a time and spend an uninterrupted hour with me or going into rooms at the nursing home and just chatting about feeding and swallowing goals with patients who have just had a stroke. But I continue to be blessed by my job and am very thankful for the part time opportunities I will have once I am a mommy to 3!

Not much else to report. I am excited for the holidays and for opportunities to get dressed up and eat peppermint bark! ;) I have a Christmas party with my college friends this weekend and I am pumped. We are all just as close as we were in college and are all kind of in different stages of life ranging from single and dating, to engaged, to married with no kids to being pregnant and having kids. It is so refreshing spending time with these girls and I look so forward to little things like this!!

Stay tunes for the big reveal.....counting down the hours to get another look at my precious little ones!!

Off to fight the (hopefully died down) traffic! :)

Here is the latest "bump" pic. I think this is at 16 weeks on the dot. And yes I know, my outfit is awesome! ;)

Jane

This has been a  hard couple of days! I honestly did NOT see this coming at all. We got our update for Jane yesterday and we are #9. Meaning that if we weren't pregnant we could be seeing a picture of our baby girl before the new year.

I think it just brought up a range of emotions that I didn't think I would even be going through. We never in a million years thought things would pick up and move so quickly again. Plus, our road to pregnancy/having a family has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I wasn't positive I would even have a desire to get pregnant after getting Jane home, but I also wasn't positive I wouldn't and the decisions we have been faced with over the past couple years have been hard! Dealing with endometriosis, and then infertility and then being faced with how we were going to heal this disease (that is typically only curable by pregnancy or prolonged use of artificial hormones) has just overall been a bit rough! Being given timelines to get pregnant by and then passing them by month after month was stressful.

Lots of prayer has gone into all of this and I have felt peace every step of the way....but being pregnant doesn't reduce our desire for Jane to be home....and wrapping my mind around the fact that she was just within our reach and now is back out there in the "unknown timeline" land is sad! Like, really really sad. Obviously God decided to allow us to get pregnant and oh my goodness, I am so glad he did. But for some reason the reality of our precious other child that isn't resting safely in my belly with the other two is just killing me!

I have pretty much come to a place of peace with the idea of three little ones running around our home instead of just one. I'm actually excited that my neat little clean house will soon be the home to more baby things than we can count and I have even accepted, although I know I can't fully understand yet, that I will be tired most all the time. I am honestly excited about every ounce of it. I am excited about my sole focus for a while being my babies. If you know me well, you know that although I enjoy my career, all I have ever wanted to do is be a mom. Period. I can't wait to finally have the job I have dreamed about forever.

But I am having a hard time with the fact that Jane Jordan isn't coming home soon. She is still coming home, but not that soon. I was also a little confused about the rules within our agency about adoption after biological babies are born. I was under the impression that you just had to wait 6 months and you could be matched with any baby. However, I was not understanding correctly and the rule is actually that your biological children and adopted children must be at least 6 months apart in age. Meaning that once our bio babies are 4 months old we could accept a referral for a 10 month old, or once they are 6 months old we could accept a referral for a 12 month old and so on. It's not that big of a deal, but just a different mindset in a way. A mindset that likely places us being matched with a slightly older child. Which is ok too. Just something new to wrap my mind around (however, I have come to enjoy God stretching me so I can look back and smile on the end result).

As I type all this I think what is going on is that I am just adjusting to a new reality. A new look of starting our family. A slightly altered picture of getting Jane home and bringing biological children into our family. Nothing about any of this is bad. I mean, if Jane can walk when she gets here that would make my life a lot easier since I will have two that don't! Well, maybe, maybe not I guess...hehe!

God has already written this story. We had the elders at church anoint us with oil several months ago and pray for healing over my body and I was healed. We also prayed for years and years about adoption and have never wavered on this aspect of bringing children into our home. God has flooded this adoption with more blessings that I can count. The story is written and I hope that as I live out this next crazy chapter in my life I can bring glory to God through this story. I hope people look at our family and think, "If Lance & Kayla can do it so can we!" And I hope this is just the beginning of it all. I hope we can continue to be a warm home to children who need a mommy and daddy. I pray that my life is nothing but a platform for God to work and that I can love on as many babies as he allows me to have, regardless of where they come from! :)

*Lets hope Lance didn't make it to the end of this post hehe! :)

Ho Ho Ho

It's beginning to look festive at the Agan household. I cannot tell you how many people have told me to enjoy my last Christmas before children are destroying the house. So I decided to work a little extra hard to make it festive this year. Lance, my Dad and I worked Saturday on our lights and I must say, we all did a pretty good job. Max loves to come look at the lights and then sprint down our entry way to the mantle and point up at the Santa and say "Ho Ho Ho". He is just a little holiday treasure this year, getting so into all the Christmas fun!! Enjoy a few pics of our festiveness this year! :) 

Happy Holidays! 

The red stocking in the middle is for Jane and I have to admit that I teared up a little as I hung it. I would have never imagined that we wouldn't have her home this Christmas. It been such a long wait for that little one, and in a way getting longer. I CANNOT wait until that little red stocking is overflowing with goodies for my little girl. :)

And the belly grows!

I am having so much fun with this preggo belly. It amazes me how quickly it is growing, however when I have an ultrasound and see both babies crammed in there I think I should be bigger than I am. I'm sure I will be rather large before this is all said and done so I am going to enjoy this stage while I can! Sickness is now over. I am just so happy! I even managed to gain 5 pounds up until now which is a minor miracle since food was not really my friend. However, I think I may have gained all 5 last Thursday! Seriously. I was loving my nausea free Thanksgiving! The concept of some degree of weight gain being a good thing is just so odd....but good I guess b/c I don't think it can be avoided in a pregnancy huh!? I sure do enjoy the occasional jug of whole chocolate milk or the extra large slice of pie that I am eating "for the babies!" I really do feel like a new person now that I am not in a constant state of blah! I have been having pretty frequent bad headaches and some heartburn, however that's pretty much all. I do feel like I am having symptoms very very early but maybe it's because there are 2 babies?? I don't really know. But nothing too bad at all. The picture to the right is from our big family photo shoot and she snapped a few of me and Lance. This may be the first picture of us preggo! ;)

We find out the gender next Friday December 7th, and will officially find out with some friends and family the next day! I am SO excited. I actually went in yesterday at 16 weeks and she did an ultrasound and I asked her if she would write the genders down on a piece of paper and seal it for me (I brought supplies just in case) she said of course and after finding one babies gender pretty quickly she searched for another 5-8 minutes and couldn't tell the gender of the other one. She refused to write anything down because she didn't want to be wrong. I was hoping for a little assurance that we would have genders to tell next week, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that our modest little baby shows it's stuff next week so we don't have the worlds most disappointing gender reveal party! ;)

When I saw them yesterday it was amazing how much they have grown and how close together they are now. I frequently feel a baby kick in the same spot all the time and yesterday we saw that one baby has the placenta behind it and the other right in front of it. I think that's why I can only feel one baby so far. But we got a good shot of both. One was bouncing all around and we could hardly get a good pic. The other was just chilling with it's little hands by it's face and would occasionally move an arm. It looks like we may have one hyper baby and one chill baby. Nothing similar to their parents I know! But it is getting kind of wild how much is going on in my stomach with two babies and two placentas and the cords and all that. Its hard to know what you are even looking at sometimes. But they are cute and looking great so far. Lance will go with me to our big anatomy scan next week and I am looking forward to that. I actually get those every 4 weeks since it is twins and they are keeping such a close eye on me! It's all just so much fun!

Enjoy some "bump" pics. Its pretty undeniable at this point!

12 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks

15 weeks

Babies at 16 weeks! (L) profile (R) straight shot :) 

Ok that's all for now, not much else to report. Happy Tuesday!  

Just some thoughts

A couple days ago I asked my mom to go with me to babies r'us. I am the last of a long line of women in my family who have had babies so you would think I would know what I need or have some opinions or something. Nope. I know nothing. I just figured if/when I ever got pregnant I would just ask people what they did. I mean why research and read lots of books when you can just ask experienced mommies/your identical twin sister. Right?? Plus, my mommy mindset up until recently, consisted of me adopting and having a two year old only child.

Anyway, we walked aisle after aisle and I became more and more, well, freaked out. When we got to the "twin" nursing pillows that were the size of a baby cow I started to tear up and politely asked if we could end this little outing. ;)

It's not that I'm not excited. I know that goes without saying, but baby stuff is overwhelming. There is just so much. Its all so big. It's so expensive. It seems excessive, but then you talk to moms and realize it's actually not excessive but necessary. And things are generally just not made with twins in mind.

What initially triggered my interest in starting to look at stuff were the questions I was getting about my thoughts on strollers and cribs and nursing. I realized I couldn't answer them because I hadn't given it any thought (well nursing a little)!

So now I am starting to think about it all a little more and am slowly coming to the realization that two babies will come and they will be here in 6 months. It is finally starting to sink in and I think it is only human to have a few moments where it is just almost impossible to comprehend.

Lance and I are just having so many conversations that we never thought we would have and sometimes laugh that one of us actually just said "Well, we will move this bed into this room so we have room in the back of the house for all 3 cribs!" Or, "I guess we can get a van so we can easily fit 3 car seats." I am laughing as I type because it is just so crazy, yet so real and I think sometimes if I didn't laugh I may cry! ha! Tears of joy of COURSE! ;)

Ok, one work day left and then I am off for the week!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Names

Names are set! We have 4 names picked out for all possible gender combos! We wanted to have names picked before we find out the genders in a few weeks. We sat down and threw around names each night. We landed on our girl names really quickly and the boys took a bit longer. Well, a lot longer. But here they are. I CANNOT wait until Dec. 8 when we find out with family and friends if our little Jane Jordan will have sisters, brothers or both when she gets home!! :)

Girls:

Nora Beth & Zoe Rose

Boys:

Zeke Samuel & Henry Miles

Boy/Girl combo:

Nora Beth & Zeke Samuel

According to all the old wives tales I am having girls. I have been sick, craving sweets, both babies have really fast heart beats and the Chinese calendar says girls! So according to Doctor google I am carrying two girls!! I stopped short of peeing in a cup and mixing it with with drano to see if it turned green (girl) or blue (boy). But it has been fun imagining and anticipating what they will be!! However, no combination will disappoint. I am just still in awe that I am even typing this post. SO thankful!!

Come on Dec. 8!!!

Loving the bump!

This past Saturday my mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes. It was so fun but I didn't really have a legitimate "bump" so it was hard to know really what to get. I could push out my belly as hard as possible and start to kind of imagine.

 

Anyway, Sunday morning when I woke up I think the babies must have known that they now had a proper wardrobe because overnight, and I literally mean overnight I got a baby bump! It was so strange, even Lance couldn't believe it. I figured maybe I was bloated or something, but nope. It hasn't gone down in the least over the past week and it is hard as a rock! LOVE IT!! :) I think I will get used to the "Oh my goodness how far along are you? Wow only that far? You look so big for being so early on!" Followed by, "Well I am having twins so I think that's why." I just love it though!! I will probably only do this whole pregnancy thing one time so I may as well get to enjoy the cute baby bump right from the start.

 

We started our second trimester this week. I have been feeling a little less sick. Chic fil a is still not my friend AT ALL but besides that most food is sounding ok these days and throwing up seems to be done! I am so thankful! Not much else going on besides working a lot at the school and just doing normal life stuff with Lance. We find out what these little munchkins are in 4 weeks!! I am counting down the seconds!! I think it will really set in once we have names and know what they will be!

 

Ok.....off to take a nice long nap before Lance gets home! Happy almost weekend! Also, if you live in Houston and didn't know the Nutcracker Market is here this weekend and it is SO MUCH FUN...IT IS CHRISTMAS ON CRACK!! I AM GOING TOMORROW WITH MY MOM AND SISTER BUT COULD PROBABLY BE TALKED INTO GOING AGAIN IF YOU WANT AN EXCUSE TO GO AND NEED A SHOPPING BUDDY!

Here are the precious boys who were dedicated to God on Sunday! Could anything be more precious in this entire world!? I didn't think so!!
 



And just so you can see the evidence, here is a pic of the little "twin bump"! My eyes are puffy because I was crying because I ran our of chocolate milk! I have to just laugh at myself about that one! I haven't had to many mood swings but I cried all through worship time at church too "happy tears" and then all through Max & Levi's baby dedication. Apparently that chocolate milk set me on a scary path for that particular day! :)

Cloud 9

I really cannot put into words how much I am on cloud 9!! We got a call from our agency and they told me that we would likely be #1 on the list before the babies were born so even though we won't be able to accept a referral until our bio babies are 6 months old it is pretty much a certain thing that Jane will be soon to follow!! And I'm pretty sure that 6 months will fly by. I have a feeling we may be a tad busy. We won't get her at 6 months but will hopefully be matched at 6 months and then 5 more months or so of paperwork and travel will be required. Our caseworker called us and we joked about how we said we were open to twins from Ethiopia. She said she would wait until I wasn't sleep deprived before she asked me if we were still open to twins from Ethiopia. Ha!!! I kept trying to reword asking Lance if we could take twins from Ethiopia and he kept saying "no". Our conversations went something like is:

Me: "So think we would want to accept a referral for twins?"
Lance: "no"
Me: "Like "no" "no" or "wait and decide later kind of "no"
Lance: "ummm I think like "no" "no".
Me: " we'll you never know....we may think raising twins is so easy that we wanna do it again! Do you see that happening?"
Lance: "We'll I don't see us taking twins if that's what your asking....the chances seem very small"

Oh Lance....love him!! :)

We also had our 12 week ultrasound today. The babies looked perfect!!! It has been soaking in all day how thankful I am and how amazing/crazy this all is!! I have literally been bouncing around all day.

Since we are having twins we go a little more often for ultrasounds and actually start doing the high tech ones at 17 weeks. Meaning we should know the gender of the babies in 5 weeks!!!!!!! We are going to have a twin gender reveal party with 2 cakes and I have literally been dreaming about this event my whole life and never thought it would happen!! I have been asking God for twins since I was 10 years old!!!! Like I said, cloud 9! 

I am also more conscious lately of my uninterrupted time with Lance. We love us some "us" time and I know it's slipping away quickly. Well we probably have 6 months left to be exact. Yikes!!! I don't want the babies to come and feel like I regret not soaking in all our time together. I am so relieved to be about out of the first trimester (I actually don't know technically when that is) and now I'm glad we have several months left. I want to make the most of this time because I really do love our little life together as just the two of us. As much as we have wanted a baby, we have always feared the change in dynamic. And I could be wrong but I think twins and a third shortly after from may change the Agan dynamic up a little bit!!

But we are so thankful!! I feel beyond blessed! I told Lance to tell me if I ever complain because I don't have a thing to complain about on this earth! I am so blessed and cannot believe that God not only chose us to experience this miracle of pregnancy but has also chosen us to understand his love for us even more by letting us experience first hand what he did for us when he adopted us. We get to mold a child into our family just like God molded us into His. We will get to watch all this love unfold in our little family and my heart could burst right out of my chest!!

Ok off to sanitize our house. I forgot to mention that Lance and I had a horrible stomach bug. I mean horrible!! We couldn't walk or move for 24 hours straight. We both went to work Tuesday and both ended up at back at home in bed by noon. Lance actually threw up in his office while leading a conference call. When I got home he was already in bed and in the most pathetic voice he told me this whole story. I really got so tickled I could not stop laughing. We were both laying in bed SO sick....and I really laughed for 15 minutes. Then everytime I thought about it for the rest of the day I laughed. It was good comic relief amidst lots and lots and lots of throwing up! But at least the babies pulled through. After every horrible vomiting spell I would put my hands on my belly and apologize to the poor babies for the torture! Ok off to clean!! Happy November....which is national adoption month! :)/div>

I didn't write this but I LOVE it!

I have had little Jane and adoption on my heart all day. One of those days where I have been thinking about orphans all day and every child that walked into my office made me think about one just like them without a family. It kills me. Causes me actual physical pain. 

I have had a selfish week. I really don't know how else to put it. I have been a such a little brat all week. I have been dwelling on things that really aren't that big of a deal. I got caught up in the nasty comparison game and started feeling a little bad for myself for the things I lack. I lost sight this week of what matters. I lost sight of what is truly important to me. 

I came across this post and couldn't have said it better myself. I am a waste of space on this earth if I forget that my purpose it to love others. Regardless of my job or finances or anything else. I am worthless if I think I am here only to be comfortable. I am way off if I am more worried about having extra money to fix up my house than about saving extra money for our adoption or helping others adopt. Why this is such a constant battle I will never know. But what I know for sure is that God designed us to start new each day and beg him to make our hearts like his. I have to beg away the selfishness each day. Thank goodness God can change our hearts!! 

Enjoy this post. I had to smile reading the part about the couple talking about adoption in bed. No words can describe the feeling of hearing God call you specifically to something and saying yes. It gives me chills just thinking about it! If you honestly ask God what he wants from you he will reveal it....no doubt! Fear literally morphs into joy!! Its such an amazing, supernatural thing. 

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

~ Mother Teresa

Image with me for a minute… 

Right now, today… you are small and alone. 

You are hungry and lost. 

You have no home, no parents, and seemingly no future. 

You are scared, and weak, from days without food. You have no where to go, no where to be. 

People walk by you but they don’t even look your way.

 It’s like you are invisible, nothing. 

You keep walking, your feet are bleeding and sore… and yet still you manage to cling to the small bit of hope, the little voice inside your head that says maybe, just maybe, one day things will get better. 

Maybe one day -you will matter. 

It is getting dark outside- inside your fear is growing. 

Where will you go? 

Your heart is beating faster, and your fear becomes over whelming, consuming your every thought. 

Then you see it, a dirty, broken cardboard box and you bow your head thanking God for His provision. 

For you have found it- shelter. 

Safety, if only for one night. 

You slip underneath it, hugging yourself, vowing once again not to cry- because by now you know tears are a waste of your strength. 

Your eyes become heavy, despite the sweltering temperature. 

As you begin to drift off to sleep you pray, hoping, dreaming, of a family of your own one day... 

of a place where you will matter...

to someone.

Half away around the world is a family... 

They are just sitting down to dinner together. 

They are smiling and their laughter fills the room. 

Dinner is served and they bow their heads and they pray- thanking God for their many blessings… their home, their job, the food that is set before them. 

They lift their heads and go back to the laughter and the joy. 

They talk of their upcoming vacation plans, the lunch date they shared with a friend today and the movie they plan to see this coming weekend.

More laughter, more excitement, more. 

As the leftovers are scraped into the garbage can and the table is cleaned up, hot bubble bathes are taken by all. 

Evening settles in, and the family slips under their down comforters preparing for a good nights sleep. 

Before turning out the lights, the husband leans over to kiss his wife good-night. She shyly smiles at him and begins to tell him that she has been feeling that perhaps God is calling them to adopt. 

The room grows quiet as they are both lost in their own thoughts… their minds are flooded with questions, concern, and then inevitably -fear. 

How could they manage? 

Another child?

Why, they already have two! 

Where would they put the child? 

Who would share a room? 

How could they afford to adopt? 

Would they be able to take that vacation? 

What would people think? 

What if the child, you know, caused ‘problems’?

As their eyelids become heavy, they begin to drift off to sleep... and they think to themselves ‘surely not’. 

Surely God knows this is not convenient. 

Surely God wants them to take that vacation they deserve...

Surely he knows how busy they are. 

They have plans and they have dreams.

As sleep overcomes them, the temperature in their master bedroom is perfect… and their pillows are fluffed to perfection. 

Life is good for them, just as they had planned... 

Because after all, they matter...

Too much...

to themselves.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. "- 1 John 3:16-20

Well......

I really don't know how to put this so I will just spit it out. We are pregnant....with twins!

I have been a bit hesitant to post because we have been SO adoption focused and I feared people would think we were stopping the adoption. NO WAY!!! You would literally have to fight me and I would win hands down in a fight over my little Jane Jordan!

We have told our wonderful adoption agency and they were thrilled for us and SO supportive! We will keep moving down the list like normal and just see how things pan out time wise. But yes yes yes we are still adopting! I would be lying if I told you I have not had a few moments of anxiety since finding out we were having twins. I mean HELLO....TWO BABIES! We never even thought we would be pregnant with ONE! However, I love them both so much already. The second we saw those TWO little heart beats I was a mom of twins. Anxiety was replaced by love in that moment!

We have quite the story about pursuing a concurrent domestic adoption and then having those doors closed and then pursuing some other things as well. It's a long story that I don't really feel comfortable putting on the blog for now. However, feel free to come ask me if you would like!

I WILL be posting updates on my babies!! My "tummy" babies are looking great and measuring right on track at about 10 weeks! I have been very sick. The kind of sick that is pretty much 24/7. It has been kind of tough working and just doing life. However, as Lance keeps reminding me, I am growing two people and that can't be easy! However, I will take every ounce of nausea and throwing up! It just means my babies are growing strong! Love them already!

My little Ethiopian baby is hopefully safe in her mommies tummy or being safely taken care of somewhere. We didn't move this last month so we are still at #17. It will be interesting to see how this will all play out. I wish I could know what God knows at times like this!! But I love that little girl so so much and can't wait to meet her.

It's an odd feeling to get pregnant when your mind has been on adoption for so long. I thought I would feel torn about what to do or what to read. Do I read about adoption or nursing!? Attachment parenting or childbirth!? I thought it would be hard to mentally balance the two but it really isn't. It's hard to answer questions about time lines because we really just can't see or anticipate the future on this one. But I don't feel torn or like I abandoned Jane. God is the giver of life and He saw us as fit to handle this. Oh. My. Goodness!

I had dinner last night with my mom and she looked at me and said, "Can you even really believe this!?" And I really can't. I am surprised after each ultrasound that there are actually two human beings growing in my belly.

I know a lot of people adopting are adopting out of a history of infertility and believe me I know infertility well. The amazing blessing of all this is not wasted on me. I know someone is bound to read this and feel pain. That makes me really sad because I know the feeling. Wanting to adopt with 100% all your heart while still longing to have a biological child is really hard and can cause lots of guilt. But it should not!! God made most women to desire biological children and you should never feel bad for having that desire or for not having that desire for that matter. Sorry I just had to throw that in there!!

I will forever understand the challenges that infertility and adoption and the whole thing that can bring. I will always understand the roller coaster of emotions and ever changing feelings. I can sympathize with the guilt trip you can put yourself on at times and have become familiar with the hurtful comments others can bring simply out of a lack of understanding. I know that you can want to adopt with all your heart and at the same time want to throw your computer in the trash so you don't have to see another post like this one. Another person pregnant...yippee. I really just totally get it!

All that to say we are thrilled! We do not deserve these blessings but we are thankful. Thank you for always praying for our family and please continue to pray for us as we go from 2 to 5 rather quickly!

 Both babies....best friends already! :)

 Baby "A"

Baby "B"

 

Sorry these are fuzzy. They are pictures of pictures. But they were moving all around today at the ultrasound. We could see the little hands and feet. We saw their brains and blood flowing through their little bodies. Hear their heartbeats too. It was hard for the doctor to get a clear picture because they were moving so much!  It really is just so amazing! But everyone is happy and healthy and there are definitely TWO growing babies in my belly. So crazy!

Update!!!

Sorry I have been MIA!! Started work, huge change and learning curve, but I'm in my car at 3:30 on the dot and loving it! Lots of other stuff going on too that I will post about later but for now let's get to the news of the MONTH!!!! We are now #17 on the waiting list for Jane!! Umm can you believe that!?!? I opened my email this morning and just stared at the screen for a second slightly confused and then was freaking out with excitement!! We have moved 21 spots total since we started waiting and some of those months have been SLOOW movement so if you do the math and things continue to move along we are definitely over half way there!! Oh little Jane we can't wait to meet you!!!

Created for Care.....yipee!!

I just signed up for the 2013 Created for Care retreat in Atlanta. I went last year and it was such a wonderful experience. Imagine if your passion was cooking and someone told you to go to a beautiful resort outside Atlanta and spend 3 days with hundreds of other people who shared your passion for cooking. Then all the experts in the cooking world did cooking demonstrations all days and shared their secrets and you left feeling like you just may be able to cook a decent meal after all!

Well that's how I feel about this retreat. I went last year and could not believe all the women that shared my heart for adoption and were seriously killing it with their parenting skills! I felt like a student soaking up all the knowledge and when I left I felt like I could maybe just maybe do this whole thing too!

I REALLY hope I have a sweet little referral picture to show off to everyone once I am there. Last year we were still waiting to get on the wait list and I remember women walking around with tons of pictures of their little ones in Africa, or Asia, all over, and were so proud and so excited to finally get them home! That felt like such a distant reality for me at that point! By the retreat we will have been waiting about 12 months so I think it is a real possibility that we will finally know what Jane's sweet little face looks like. However, it is also a very real possibility that we won't know yet either and that's ok too....apparently these things can't be rushed hehe! 

Very excited to see what is in store this year and see where we are as a family by January 25!

Domestic Adoption

In May Lance and I attended a meeting at the Gladney Center for Adoption. Lots of random things landed us in this particular meeting. We were there to learn about domestic African American adoption. It was so awesome!! I had never really considered this type of adoption seriously before and after attending this meeting I realized that domestic adoption, in a completely different way, is just as beautiful as international adoption. In a sense it seems more heart wrenching, meeting birth mothers that are engaging in the most selfless thing you could ever do seems hard. Having someone hand you a teeny infant and watching that mother leave without her child seems almost impossible to comprehend. The instant change in status for both mothers involved is hard to wrap your mind around.

However, once again we were stopped in our tracks with the huge need for adoption. Adoption takes a long time. It involves opening up your heart knowing that it may be broken. This was the main "risk" we saw in this type of adoption. We saw how in Domestic adoption you could very likely meet a child and think you were going home with it and then all can change in a moments notice. People say that international adoption isn't for the faint of heart and that's true. However, after seeing both sides I feel like domestic adoption REALLY isn't for the faint of heart and I have so much respect for everyone involved in a domestic adoption.

Anyway, after this meeting Lance and I went to Chuys and were seriously on cloud nine with excitement talking about Jane having a sibling that looks like her. Not only that but this baby could be here soon!! We spoke with our agency and told them our plans to peruse a concurrent adoption. Our adoption coordinator was equally excited about all of it and we talked through a few little things and were given the OK!

Well, a few things then occurred and after a month of praying and talking this through we realized that this was just not the time to adopt another baby. I was really sad. They gave us 90 days to make our final decision. Today was day 90 and I had to email and tell them "not yet". I was really sad. However, if you were to ask me my feelings on domestic adoption, I would tell you that I think it is one of the most beautiful things ever. I would tell you that I would be shocked if we make it to the end of parenthood without having adopted domestically.

Sometimes I feel like God keeps telling me to wait. However, I am learning so much in this wait. And one more thing I can add to this season of life is a growing love for domestic adoption! It's amazing. And I feel strongly that it can't be put in a box because NO adoption is the same. We hear stories all the time about the "risks of domestic adoption". However, to me that would be like saying I don't want to go to work because of the "risk of getting in a car accident" or I don't wanna go to the beach because of the "risk of a shark attack" (can you tell I am watching shark week as I type!). Nothing in life worth doing comes without risk. But when you take that "risk" you give God so much to work with!

I don't ever want to be still just waiting for my life to fall into place right in front if me. I want to be constantly searching for what God has in store for me. As of right now that isn't domestic adoption. However, I wish I could see what God sees because I have a feeling it just may be part of our future!

Following along....

So up until about a week ago I was clueless that our adoption agency had a Facebook group. It's great because it has tons of resources about travel and what to expect and little things like hair care and all that.

The bad/good thing is that it also has updates every time someone gets a referral. So now instead of just waiting clueless until the first of each month for our number, I kind of have the urge to follow the referrals that are posted online! The thing is that not all referrals given will allow us to move because some may be for children above what we have set our age range and I don't think we move in that case. ANYWAY it is interesting and does give you an idea of movement month to month! 

All that to say, it seems this has already been an AMAZING month for referrals!! So far in August, 7 have been given out! I don't totally know what that means for us yet, but I think it may possibly mean that now we are #16!!!!! I guess time will tell come Sept. 1!! But would that be awesome for what!?!? 

If we could manage to move 7 spots each month from now on we could have our babies picture in no time!! But I should probably not get ahead of myself here and just be thankful for a good month!! :) 

Her little face

It's no surprise that I am excited about our adoption. I will never forget Sept. 30 when I pushed "submit" on the computer screen, officially saying we were beginning the journey. We were then given our checklist, well I use that word lightly because this "checklist" filled an entire binder, and we were on our way. I was a crazy person and was up until 2 am for a month straight getting everything in order FAST, and was so happy to be doing it!!! We ran around Houston for a couple months getting everything ready and then were a WAITING FAMILY!! We were officially waiting for her!!

6 months has past since we were finally on the waiting list and not much happens anymore to keep adoption at the front of our minds. All we can do is wait. As hard as waiting can be, each month that passes I get more and more excited and this month in particular I think I could burst with excitement!!! Tonight I am laying awake thinking about her little face. Thinking about that precious little brown face that I will get to kiss everyday. That little face that will be my DAUGHTER. That perfect little face that we will take a 1,000 pictures of that will be plastered all over all of our walls. That little face that will always remind us just how much God loves us and just how blessed we are. That little face that will hopefully always remind us that orphans are Gods children and we are here to be Jesus to them. I know all parents say this, but I just know that little face is going to change a lot of lives. I know that because we haven't even met her yet and she has changed our lives. That little face has taught us how to trust God, love others, have patience, and pray like never before. That little face has opened our eyes to the need to step outside our "normal" with a cheerful heart. That little face is already changing our lives and I can't wait until she is here in the flesh sitting in my living room!

I often spend hours daydreaming about doing her hair and taking her to church for the first time. Watching her open up her Christmas presents and playing with her cousins. All those little things parents look forward to. But tonight all I can think about is that little face. That tiny slice of perfection that God is going to bless us with when the time is right! I can ramble on so I will leave it at this.

This makes me "get" adoption more than any other verse. Well for today at least. I am very scattered with my bible reading and am constantly floored with new revelations! :)

"For those who are led by the spirit of God are the children of God. The spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share his sufferings in order that we may also share his glory."

Romans 8: 14-17

God is saying here that through accepting him and sharing in his suffering we receive his spirit. By this we are made his child! Equal to his son! But this is not just any son. This is JESUS! We are now the sons and daughters of God! Let that soak in. It is pretty amazing. I believe that God is wanting us to mirror this behavior in our own lives. Where would be be without our father in heaven? If God wouldn't have so graciously accepted us we would be orphans. We would be aimless and without purpose.

I do not believe that God NEEDS us to watch over orphans in order for them to have a father. They already have their one true Father. I think he is allowing us to engage in this act of love because he knows it will bring us joy and a deeper understanding of his love for us. What better way to understand Gods love than to do your best to emulate it?

Very very humbled with this gift that hasn't even made it into our arms yet, but has completely changed us! I will go to bed tonight praying for that perfect little face!! :)

Almost time....

My summer of stay at home"ness" is quickly coming to a close. I have about a week and a half left. I am excited though to get back into a routine. I think it may take a while for me to get used to those early school mornings. Being at work at 7:30 is going to be VERY different for me. BUT so is coming home at 3:30 so I think it will be worth it! I absolutely love being in an elementary school! I can't imagine a happier bunch of people to spend my days with!!! Lord willing, this will be my last year to work full time so I am going to just be thankful for the ability to have such a wonderful job!! Im also curious to see my "office". Speech therapists are known for getting the broom closet, seriously, so we shall see!! However, the great thing about a school is you can get out and interact and make friends with the teachers. Even if I am in a closet, it will be ok!

Rested up and ready for my new venture!! So thankful for this opportunity!!

Happy Wednesday! :)

Facebook

Facebook hurts.
It all started with the slight cringe I would feel every time I would see a post from a friend complaining about pregnancy or motherhood on facebook. I would read the comments and my heart would sink a little more each time. How could someone complain so openly about sleep deprivation when I would trade my house for a sleepless night? How could someone complain about being "fat" when I would trade my size small for an XL in a heartbeat if that meant I was given the amazing gift of pregnancy? How could someone actually post the status "pregnancy sucks" when I have given up SO much trying to obtain this very thing? How could my CHRISTIAN friends be so cruel? How could someone stop in the midst of one of life's greatest blessings to pick up their phone or computer and take the time to pull up facebook, type in a complaint and post it to the internet for all to see? Aren't they embarrassed? Don't they know how their complaining is coming off to others? I think the answer is NO. After noticing this mommy complaining trend I started to get really sensitive to the whole facebook thing. Its amazing how personal loss can really open your eyes to the hearts of others.

I started to notice comments complaining about EVERYTHING. Complaints about jobs, marriages, cars, houses, clothes.....just about anything you could think of. It makes me very very sad that we may be morphing into a culture where complaining is cool! As Christians we are called to have empathy. We are called to love others. We are called to be a light in a dark world. We are called to make sure that we are not harming others with our words. Any situation in life can be hard. Parenting, working, losing weight, dealing with loss, ANYTHING! And honestly, its hard to truly put yourself in others shoes unless you have been their personally. But I think before we post things for the world to see we need to stop and think about the effect our words can have on others. We need to stop and place ourselves in our friends and neighbors shoes. As Christians, there is NO place for  publicly expressing bitterness and a lack of thankfulness when it comes to the blessings God gives us.

Before we complain that our "house is falling apart" lets try to remember that there are people out there that would kill to own a home. Before we complain that our husbands "left the laundry on the floor yet again " lets remember that others have been praying for a husband for years and would do just about anything to have a husband to complain about. Before we openly post that we are so mad that we have to work late lets remember that others may be in their 10th month of job hunting with little success. Before we so boldly post pictures of our new cars and expensive clothes lets remember that these very things that may not be a stumbling block for you may be a HUGE weak area for others. Lets not let our words and actions plant seeds of envy, bitterness and sadness in others. I know this post is a bit out of character for me but I just finally felt like it needed to be posted. As Christians we are called to a higher standard. We are called to love others and take captive our tongues. I know that not one person is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Me included. It is impossible to know whats going on with others and it is unavoidable to not ever slip up and post/say something that may hurt another. Believe me, I am the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth! It's just the way it is. However, I have now been personally affected by my "friends" seemingly harmless "status updates". I have been brought to tears by the hurt facebook can cause and have seen others suffer too. It makes me wonder if our words are causing more hurt than we even know. It has made me much much more sensitive to the things I say. So, as far as facebook goes I want to encourage you to stop and think before you push that little button. Let's think before we post people!!

"Jesus turned and said to Peter, Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns." Matthew 16:23

It scares me to think my words could every be a stumbling block to others. Whether they are spoken or typed. Everyone has hard days. Everyone needs to call up a friend and just vent about how things just STINK sometimes. Even good things can be hard and just downright suck at times! But lets not post it for the world to see. Emotion cannot be conveyed through typed words on a screen.

So here is my challenge to you! Next time you feel compelled to post how awful dealing with a sick baby is or how mad you are at your hubby, use facebook to thank God for the cuddle time that comes along with a sick baby or thank him for your much needed girlfriend around the block that helps you take your mind off things. Then, log off, call your mom or close friend and let it all loose while you eat a bowl of ice cream!! :)

Bottom line, just be mindful of others. Be mindful of the fact that words can hurt. And be mindful of the fact that you are sharing your thoughts with thousands of people when you post something. :)

Ok that's the end of that. Goodnight! :)

Welcome August

We happily welcomed August today. It was a great day. The first of each month brings our wait list # update and it can range from lots of movement to a little to none. Today we moved 3 spots!!!! I was SO PUMPED!! We are now # 23. This is pretty good! Now that we have accepted the fact that it is looking like more of a 12 month wait as opposed to the short 6 months we expected, we don't get our hopes up too high and are just thrilled with movement!

They have increased wait times to 11-12 months. We have waited about 5 so we aren't doing so bad. We are getting there!! It had stopped seeming like a reality to me and today I was renewed with a sense of hope and excitement. God reminded me that we WILL get our little girl. She is coming! I CANNOT WAIT to meet her!

I am the every changing person when it comes to my emotions about this adoption, and well, most things in life, but today I am feeling hopeful and patient and am letting myself daydream about having my little girl home! I know she will be worth the wait and that makes it easier. The FOREVER that we will get to parent her will pale in comparison to the year we waited for her one day! Wow look at how rational I have become about this adoption! Patting myself on the back!! ;)

Here's a little of what we have been up to lately or what I snapped a shot of! We have had a great summer so far with lots of great things going on. We really love living in Sugar Land and are really settled now into our new suburban life! :)

 Snuggling with my Weltie.....love having him around the block!

 Spend the morning with my Cousin Lindsey (who is also now my neighbor!!) and Ava returned later to cook with me! :)

 Had some of our good friends over for dinner with their newest addition, Parker. Love them lots!!

 Went to see the Lion King!

 Went to one of our old Houston favorites, House of Pies, after the show. Nothing like a burger, sweet potato fries and pie at 12am!

 MMMMM....a taste of my early twenties hehe!

 Took Max to get a Cake Pop

Our good friend Garrett BUILT us this bed today. I am trying to decide what color to paint it. I will post the finish product soon. Impressive right!?

Ok that's all for now! Happy August to all and I hope our fellow "waiting" friends were as happy as we were this month with their waitlist number!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produced perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything" James 1:2-4