Thoughts today.

Here is what's on my mind today! Why is adoption so expensive!? Is it satans way of keeping children oppressed or is it God's way of allowing believers the opportunity to be his hands and feet in this process? 

Regardless, it's frustrating. It's humbling, and a faith building experience and has shown us God's glory in big ways, but it's also frustrating. Really frustrating. I heard some crazy, awful, depressing statistics today about children in Honduras. There is a big need there for adoption of children. I went over to our agencies website and jumped when I saw that they had a program. Then I scrolled to the bottom of the screen and saw a big, fat, $41,999.00! Wow! 

I know only crazy people look into adopting more children before their current adoption is even done with or paid for. But I just wish it was cheaper. I wish every person who felt a pull on their heart could afford it and say "Ok God, tell me when!" 

And after hearing the above statistics I mentioned, I emailed Lance and asked him if we could consider a Honduran adoption next. He emailed back that he would be willing to "tuck it away in the back crevice of his mind!" Ha! I'll take it. 😄

That's all. 

A more positive post next time I promise. 

Midnight cooking

I am up boiling chicken at midnight. Yes, that's right. And let's be honest, this isn't the first time I have been up cooking at midnight. 

I have come to try to avoid grocery store trips with my little sidekicks lately at all costs. As I was folding laundry around 9:45 tonight and mentally going through my day tomorrow which included grocery shopping and taking a meal to a friend who just had a baby and still lives in town (some people manage to stay cool and live in the city even post kids I suppose), I decided it was just not worth it and made my list and did a 10pm grocery store run. 

The thought of dinner meltdowns stuck in rush hour traffic tomorrow delivering food practically pushed me out the door actually! 

So here I sit in my lovely toy filled house waiting for my chicken to boil. Have I mentioned how I love seeing little reminders of the little people every where I look? I don't think I will ever get tired if it! 

However I have made a New Years resolution to get more sleep. I really stay up too late, a lot! I think it's starting  to make me look old!! Seriously. But I so enjoy the calm. And once I clean up, put away laundry (or shove it out of my sight-let's be real), have my nightly date with my best friend the steam mop, do my quick Instagram scroll-obviously, and read my little bible study it's just late. 

But aside from trying to sleep these new wrinkles away, I am truly trying to spend more time just being silent and waiting to hear God. It has occurred to be rather abruptly the last few days that God is allowing me a golden opportunity to be still and hear Him. As this adoption lingers on and on and on with a truly painful silence I have gotten really good at griping and being annoyed at God for his silence. I have filled my every free moment with something to take my mind off how hard it's been to wait and have spent MUCH to little time just being still. Just being present with God. Just listening. Praying. Existing in the now with a hopeful anticipation of what is to be revealed. 

So I am trying to each day just stop and be still. Asking God what it is he is wanting me to learn in this time of silence. I'm anxiously excited to see what he is teaching me in this season! 

Happy Middle of the week friends! I'm off to chop this dang chicken and throw together some chicken pot pies. If only we could eat wheat I would make one for our family too! Chicken pot pie was one of our weekly staples before a certain small person came into our lives and seriously shook up our dinner options! ;) 

Stay tuned. I just KNOW we will have some news to share soon!! 

Toddler tantrums

So I think we have hit the "terrible twos" a little early with Nora. Bless her, but it simply pains the child to be forced to do something she didn't come up with. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving a kid a few choices and being flexible on activities, but sometimes the answer is just NO and that's it. This concept? Not such an easy one for my sweet Nora. 

Our current daily battle is shoes. The child only wants to wear summer sandels! Sandels that are two sizes too small and just too cold to wear in this weather. Today I was kind of over the fight so I let her take off her boots and put on her old, falling apart beach shoes. She had on her beautiful little church dress with mismatching socks and peeling water shoes! As she, sooooo happily I might add, marched to the car to go to church I just could't bear the look of the outfit. I know, I know, but sorry some things are just not ok. So I told her she had the choice to get a baby doll if she took off the shoes. She totally got what I meant, locked eyes with me and took each shoe off one by one with a look that could literally kill! She then kept here eyes locked on mine while I put on the replacement (still inappropriate, but better) shoes and we drove to church. 

One we got to church she went to the nursery and sat down on the floor and started trying to get her teacher to take her shoes off all while looking at me like "haha I found a sucker who will do what I want!" It kinda made me laugh and realize this little human of mine is hilarious and stubborn and strong willed! 

When I went to get them she waved bye bye to everyone, pointed to her feet and said "no no shoes on" and then marched her little prissy tushie down the hall!

Oh how I love her! I could go on post after post, but you get the idea! Oh toddlers, you keep us humble! 

Anyone else have shoe battles!? Bring on summer and bare feet! 

Sick

I typically spend the evening running around cleaning up, showering and hanging with Lance. But ya know what's nearly impossible? Having two toddlers while being sick. So tonight I am literally not moving, because honestly I can't. Ha! 

So I have had an extra couple hours on my hands so I have spent some time praying, thinking about and wishing wishing wishing for our next baby girl. I don't want to sound selfish. I mean, I already have two perfect little girls, why do I deserve another? I don't. But man, do we long for this little angel. 

And if I'm being honest I am kind of feeling a little bit sad too. Sad about the long wait, sad about how hard it's been financially for Lance to try to figure this out for us and just kinda all mixed up with emotions! I am working hard to just say "ok God you have this." But honestly, it's been a daily battle for me to not start to second guess if God is putting so many road blocks in our way to close the door on the whole thing. I know that's irrational. I know it's Satan. But I just feel like we are coming to an adoption stress peak! Which I am hoping means we are closer than ever to finally seeing this little beauties face. 

So I am admitting that my faith is weak right now and believing it will become stronger, as I remember that the one who is in control of this whole thing has seen this little ones life from start to finish already and is sovereignty over all if this! 

We heard God telling us to adopt a daughter years ago. More clearly than ever. So even my weak faith, and wavering emotions can rest in that! 

So I am pushing the negativity out and moving forward with only positive thoughts!!

Happy weekend everyone!! 

First time mom's are crazy. I know this from personal experience!

This has been on my mind lately, as I have had a new wave of friends have first babies and it has reminded me of how HARD it is to become a mom for the first time. And how crazy we are as first time  moms. Yes, all of us. The laid back people and the high strung ones. The organized and messy ones. The calm and the ones hyperventilating. We are all a little over protective, over emotional and over exhausted. We are just a little nuts. It can't be avoided. So for any new mommy who has ever felt bad or embarrassed or been the recipient of a not so nice comment from a "seasoned" mommy who has clearly forgotten what it's like to all of a sudden be responsible for keeping another human alive for the first time, I will leave you will a few of the crazy things I did as a first time mom, that I am honestly just remembering now that fog is finally lifting! Enjoy. 

1. I took both girls to the ER because I left them in the car with the garage door down and the car running on accident for 2 minutes. Yes, I ran into the ER with my two infant twins. They were hooked up to pulse oxomiter machines and monitored for carbon monoxide poisining. Over reacting!? Likely. 

2. I hooked up video monitors in my bathroom so I could watch their every move while I showered. Yes, they were only 4 weeks old and had the loudest screams known to man, but clearly they could have learned to walk and jump off the swings and plummet to their deaths in the 4 minutes I took a quick body shower right!? 

3. I had a total and complete breakdown because we realized Lance accidentally washed the bottles in the dishwasher with laundry detergent instead of dish soap. Like, I called the pediatrician freaking out about them ingesting chemicals through the lining of the bottles! 

4. I spent hours reading about the difference between spitting up and vomiting. Then called my mom friends and asked them what they thought and then hit back up baby center to obsess a little more. 

5. I tried to let my girls "cry it out" and sat outside pacing on my porch with my mom sobbing because I was SURE they would be scarred for life from this type of neglect and abuse. Just SURE they would never be functioning members of society. And we (I) never succeeded and I subsequently fed babies at night until their first birthday! 

6. This one I don't remember, but when asking Lance what he remembered about me being a nut in the beginning he said that once he turned off the car before we opened the doors and got the girls out and I went into a 20 minute lecture about how it only takes minutes, MINUTES for a baby to die in a hot car, all the while running to open the doors to save them from the 35 seconds of un air conditioned time in the car. 

7. I kept a log of what side each baby nursed on each time since I nursed them at the same time and was adamant about always switching sides each time for each feeding because I read that nursing a baby on the same side each time could make them cross eyed. Just typing this is making me LOL!!!! 

8. A man in a drive through got annoyed and started honking at me because I had to put the car in park and get out to pick up my credit card that fell when I was reaching to put a paci back in a babies mouth. And instead of just letting it go I actually went to his window and "spoke" to him. That's all I will admit about this encounter. 

And now let's talk about the exhaustion. Some nights I slept for 2 hours total. And this would go on for days on end. I would wake up and look in the mirror and just start laughing. Not a joyful, happy laugh. More like a crazy person, who is so delirious she just laughs. And then searched for nipple shields, and nipple cream all the while trying to latch on two screaming babies while watching my husband walk out the door for work which may as well have been China because that's what it felt like. 

Once I fell asleep in the shower. Once I fell asleep while nursing and fell off the couch and Lance was luckily there to catch the baby. Once I fell asleep at an out door birthday party behind my sunglasses in a lawn chair surrounded by people. Just sayin. 

So moms know you aren't alone. It is so hard and so scary in the beginning. Unless you are wanting to harm your baby, I'm going to go ahead and say that just about every thought, behavior and emotion is justified. It will pass. You will sleep again and you will eventually be able to stop obsessing about how to keep them alive and can move onto how to keep them from melting down every time you take anything away from them or how to keep them from jumping off tables. I'm thinking it doesn't ever get easy, but you will start to feel like YOU again before you know it and may even be able to stay awake at birthday parties and in the shower!! 

And most importantly you will be able to laugh at the crazy and embrace it joyfully! So hang in their! Go with your gut, and know you totally got this!!!

I will be reminding myself of all of is when I re-enter this world again when our third finally arrives. :) 

Can we say tired face/greesy head!? 

Perfect little family that has it all together and just adores their children. No. I cried before AND after this photo shoot. But, yes did & still do adore those nuggets!!