I am going to be honest here. I have had a HARD 2 months! I will spare you all from too many details b/c I don't want my blog to be depressing and this story, which is still unfolding, has a happy ending. But in a nutshell, here it is.
Most people know I have felt a specific calling from the Lord for almost 10 years now to adopt and specifically to adopt from Africa. This was never a question of "if" but"when". Lance and I struggled and struggled over whether or not to have children biologically first or adopt first. We decided that we would try to have a baby first and tried for 3 months. It was then that we both felt strongly that it was time to start the adoption process. I never doubted for one second, and still haven't, that this was the right time for us to adopt. However, I was fairly certain that the very near future was going to reveal a pregnancy too. So certain in fact, that I picked out our babies bedding the first month we started really trying. I was optimistic.
Fast forward several months and no pregnancy. Infertility is really hard. The world we live in with Facebook and the constant connection with others lives is hard. It is way to easy to fall into the pit of envy when everyone else seems to have a perfect life filled with children, weekly play dates and stay at home mommy hood.
I can't pinpoint when it happened, but I let this get to me! So much in fact that Lance and I (me kinda forcing Lance-never good) started seeing a fertility doctor and discussing ways to "get pregnant now!!" I have endometriosis and it can grow back. I would be insane not to do everything in my power to get pregnant before that happens right!?
So, I began injections and had a pretty ideal cycle. I went in the day before we were scheduled to do the procedure and my doctor said, "Things look great. So great in fact that I would place you at a 50% chance of having twins if this works and a 3-5% chance of triplets." I thanked him, calmly walked out of his office and burst into tears in the elevator. I knew right then and there that I wasn't supposed to go through with it. The Lord set me on a path to bring home a child from Africa and having twins or heaven forbid triplets at home to greet her was not part of HIS plan. I felt comfort in knowing the sovereignty of God, but mourned the loss of a biological child.
This was a hard road for me for a while. I admitted to a friend that adoption was so easy when it wasn't paired with fertility issues. I found so much joy in this adoption before I started envying the lives of those around me and loosing site of the end goal here.
My soul was not at peace. I was losing my joy and was doubting God. I was in a place that I never want to be again. I was not seeking HIS will for my life. I was seeking MY will. I was irrational and had decided that I was going to be infertile and unhappy forever. I had even convinced myself that my friends would all eventually reject me because I did not have a biological child. So dramatic I know!
So here we were. Possible 6 months away from seeing our babies face for the first time and I was SO conflicted. SO stressed and SO sad. I could not find my peace which is something I cling to and need to survive. But I learned something so valuable here and that is that there IS NO PEACE when you are acting outside God's will for your life.
In a pretty broken place I begged God to restore my joy and restore my peace. That's when I heard it. WAIT. NOT NOW. LATER.
So we have decided to wait on having a biological child. God has told us NOT NOW. So we will wait. WHAT AMAZING PEACE this has given me!! Gods peace literally washed over me and He has restored my joy!!!
I went into my fertility doctor and told him I wanted to discuss types of birth control and was actually in the process of adopting a child from Africa. He looked at my like I was a freak alien from Mars. It was actually a little funny!
So we are soley focused on preparing to be the best parents we can be to our little Jane Jordan and have taken the burden of biological children away for the time being. I told my mom just the other day that I can clearly see Jane coming up to the hospital one day to meet her new little sister or brother. I believe that is in our future. But I also believe Jane was meant to be chosen. To be first.
I read this in my Jesus calling today:
" You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, anymore than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me."
I know this is long and I am honestly just writing this blog as an outlet for myself and a way to look back at life while we wait for Jane. But of course I do pray that I can be an encouragement to others too and hope my blog can do that in some way.
Oh and I forgot. WE ARE NOW #35!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of my VERY best friends had a baby today. I got on facebook and saw her little girls face and just started crying at my desk. The tears were 100% tears of joy for her! Carli and I were each others glue, keeping the other one together for the two grueling years we were in grad school. God made us friends when Lubbock was so far from all that was familiar to me. And we became instant friends. 
