Here is the truth. When Sena first came home I was depressed. Not like "oh I was so bummed out". But DEPRESSED. Everything she did made me crazy. It's hard for me to even tell how hard or easy she really was because my tolerance for her was well, nothing. I cried a lot. Others close to me and those living in my house assured me that she was a sweet little girl. Maybe a bit scared, definitely grieving, but sweet. Me? I thought she was a terrible natured child with no chance of ever fitting into our family. I thought we would never adjust. That she would ruin us. That my other kids would never have a happy life. I was wrong. I've heard people throw around the term post adoption depression. And honestly I can't stay for certain if I was dealing with that or just the effects of extreme sleep deprivation and caring for three kids under three on no sleep. I was dealing with big emotions from lots of little ones daily.
But I mention the above, although I'm not proud of it at all, to share with you the miracle that is adoption. Even if it takes a while to get there. Because now. NOW Sena is mine. Not just by law but deep into my veins like my biological children. She is instinctively and intuitively mine. A deep love. Real. This is a miracle. This shows me that God WANTS children in families. Sena is mine. I mean mine. No different than the other two. Adoption isn't what I see when I look at her anymore. It's part of her story, yes. But when I look at her now I see kindness, and joy, and intelligence, and confidence and at times insecurity too. Just like I see strengths and weaknesses in all my kids. Yes, there are areas where we still parent her slightly differently, but focusing on our ADOPTED child and all the language and lingo that comes with it isn't at the forefront of my every thought. Everyday. Yes she is different in some ways because the first half of her life was hard. We are always watching her and making sure she is okay. But she is just one of the family. She knows we are her people and that she belongs with us. Adoption is always plan B. It is born of loss. But if I've ever seen God step in and make beauty from ashes it's in the life of my sweet sweet Sena Jane. And even more in my own heart. Satan tried to destroy this hidden beauty. But our God is bigger. He bound 5 hearts together. And together forever we will stay.
I share these personal details with you because I am just so passionate now about adoption. It's so easy to think that these kids in orphanages are somehow different than the kids here. Than kids in families. That somehow these far off kids are probably okay. But when I think of the Sena we met 4 months ago and compare her to the talking, walking, funny, brilliant child I have here it hits me daily that these kids are no different than the ones you have sleeping under your roof. They are precious, full of potential souls, in a holding pattern just waiting to have their true selfs realized by a real, forever family. Heartbreaking. But so much potential for beauty in these waiting souls.
So in all the chaos and stress that having three toddlers brings, I am choosing joy. Because JOY is what we all deserve and it's just a much better thing to have! I may still wanna cry sometimes with the hard days and all that comes with mommying toddlers, but we have miracles happening in our house people and that's something to smile about!
Snuggling with mommy. She situates herself on me like this every night. Lately she just talks and talks while we rock. I don't know what she's saying really, but it's so sweet.
