Our Sena

I feel like my posts and general "social media presence" if that's a thing, revolve around Sena lately. Which doesn't represent my day to day life or affection for one child over another. If we are being honest she isn't the child in our family that requires the most attention at all. But the truth of the matter is Sena is a miracle. All children in fact are miracles, but this is a miracle not as common. I believe Senas presence and placement in our family is supernatural. Truly divine. 

Here is the truth. When Sena first came home I was depressed. Not like "oh I was so bummed out". But DEPRESSED. Everything she did made me crazy. It's hard for me to even tell how hard or easy she really was because my tolerance for her was well, nothing. I cried a lot. Others close to me and those living in my house assured me that she was a sweet little girl. Maybe a bit scared, definitely grieving, but sweet. Me? I thought she was a terrible natured child with no chance of ever fitting into our family. I thought we would never adjust. That she would ruin us. That my other kids would never have a happy life. I was wrong. I've heard people throw around the term post adoption depression. And honestly I can't stay for certain if I was dealing with that or just the effects of extreme sleep deprivation and caring for three kids under three on no sleep. I was dealing with big emotions from lots of little ones daily. 

But I mention the above, although I'm not proud of it at all, to share with you the miracle that is adoption. Even if it takes a while to get there. Because now. NOW Sena is mine. Not just by law but deep into my veins like my biological children. She is instinctively and intuitively mine. A deep love. Real. This is a miracle. This shows me that God WANTS children in families. Sena is mine. I mean mine. No different than the other two. Adoption isn't what I see when I look at her anymore. It's part of her story, yes. But when I look at her now I see kindness, and joy, and intelligence, and confidence and at times insecurity too. Just like I see strengths and weaknesses in all my kids. Yes, there are areas where we still parent her slightly differently, but focusing on our ADOPTED child and all the language and lingo that comes with it isn't at the forefront of my every thought. Everyday. Yes she is different in some ways because the first half of her life was hard. We are always watching her and making sure she is okay. But she is just one of the family. She knows we are her people and that she belongs with us. Adoption is always plan B. It is born of loss. But if I've ever seen God step in and make beauty from ashes it's in the life of my sweet sweet Sena Jane. And even more in my own heart. Satan tried to destroy this hidden beauty. But our God is bigger. He bound 5 hearts together. And together forever we will stay. 

I share these personal details with you because I am just so passionate now about adoption. It's so easy to think that these kids in orphanages are somehow different than the kids here. Than kids in families. That somehow these far off kids are probably okay. But when I think of the Sena we met 4 months ago and compare her to the talking, walking, funny, brilliant child I have here it hits me daily that these kids are no different than the ones you have sleeping under your roof. They are precious, full of potential souls, in a holding pattern just waiting to have their true selfs realized by a real, forever family. Heartbreaking. But so much potential for beauty in these waiting souls. 

So in all the chaos and stress that having three toddlers brings, I am choosing joy. Because JOY is what we all deserve and it's just a much better thing to have! I may still wanna cry sometimes with the hard days and all that comes with mommying toddlers, but we have miracles happening in our house people and that's something to smile about! 

Snuggling with mommy. She situates herself on me like this every night. Lately she just talks and talks while we rock. I don't know what she's saying really, but it's so sweet. 

This week: 

Santa.

Shopping. 

Cousins in matching jammies.

Sweet mornings just me and Sena Jane. 

Heavily attended tea parties. 

Ice cream with Nora during nap time. 

Backyard camping. 

Bath time fun. 

Cooking and cooking. 

Lazy mornings. 

Playtime. 

Santas workshop aka the garage.

Play dates. 

Artwork. 

Snuggles with precious ones. 

Yes please. I'll take it all. What a blessed life. Merry Christmas! 

A great day.

Today was incredible. Today my kids splashed in puddles and played in boxes. They made "jungle caves" and all squeezed in. See, with twins this was my life everyday. Two little best friends trotting away hand in hand each day. Totally content to play and imagine together. Very little fighting. Ever. Well you know the phrase "twos company, three is a crowd?" Yeah, we've found this to be true. It's truly difficult for three little people to all play well TOGETHER. Two playing together and one playing alone works. But for some reason when all three try to play something it always ends in someone screaming. 

But not today. Today they ran around the yard and played and played and played. Totally independent of me. Well, I of course got to taste numerous pretend strawberry pancakes and chocolate tea, but aside from that I sat and read and drank coffee on my porch swing. Like I said, heavenly. Days like today make me smile. They make the ones where everyone is pulling hair and whining much more tolerable. 

I love seeing this new dynamic not just "work" but "blossom!" 

Happy Monday everyone! 

Morning snuggles with littlest one. :) 

Hours upon hours in the boxes. 

"Napping" in the box. 

This is the result of me picking up a book while they played. They are sneaky little ones. 

After naps. More box time and playdough. Really, everyone should just get big boxes and toss them in the yard! 

Snuggles with my last one standing tonight! 

TWO dates

This week was a big one in our house. Wait for it.....Lance and I went on TWO dates this week. This may not seem like a big deal to most of the world. But ask any adoptive mama who has spent the past 4 months in the throws of doing everything humanly possible to win the heart of a little human who is now your precious child, but until recently didn't know it. Yeah, that's a full time, 24/7 job. And one that just doesn't allow for much "me time". But lately when we put Sena down for bed she stays asleep all night. Which is a far cry from the waking up every hour all night that she was doing. So, we decided to have my sister come over after her bedtime this week and we snuck out for a solo dinner. It was heaven on earth. Then we got really crazy and went to a Christmas party last night and left all three girls with my parents. Sena did wonderfully. It doesn't hurt that she adores my mom! So not a big surprise there. 

So, not that I'll be leaving her all the time or anything, but now knowing we will all survive a little separation is a pretty good feeling! 

Date 1: Mexican food, margaritas, ice cream, no high chair, no epi pen, no diapers. Yes please!! 

Date 2: A fancy ALL adult party! So fun! Maybe a tiny bit too much fun for this early to rise mama! 🍾🌲❤️

Obsessed with the holidays...

My kids are OBSESSED with Christmas. All of it. They are obsessed with every single new light or decoration that goes up. Obsessed with every "blow up" character and yard ornaments. Even obsessed with red sprinkles on cookies and Christmas movies on TV. Sena obviously doesn't really get it, but she is a little shadow to her big sisters so she "ooos" and "ahhs" as we look at lights or turn on the tree each night. Nora loves to abbreviate everything she says and her most recent questionable phrase is "oh look mom more baby geez geez (Jesus) statues!" But their JOY is contagious and making me love Christmas even more this year! 

Now we just wait for Santa to come! Nora is terrified of the prospect and asked that he leave her gifts on the front porch. True story. Zoe is thrilled and I can't wait to play it up big. I'm thinking he may leave behind a few foot prints or magic dust. But hard to know how Nora will react and I'd hate a Christmas morning meltdown. I was famous for this as kid & nobody wins! ;) 

But I am considering leaving her gifts on the porch. She is taking it so literally so in her defense I can see how a stranger appearing in the night while you are sleeping could be scary. Time will tell. 

For now we are just enjoying of all the festivities and soaking in Senas first Christmas home and the big girls pure joy as they experience all of this! 

Happy holiday season everyone! 

Gingerbread houses with the cuzzies. The kids did amazingly well! And by the end of the day they were all torn up and consumed! So much for cute decor! And, the remaining shreds of the houses are now being plucked off for potty rewards! 

Playing playdough and watching Rudolph! I put peppermint oil in the playdough and it smells heavenly and so festive! 

Tree decorating chaos! 

Lunch with Santa! 

Turning a corner.

I don't wanna curse it, but I think we are really turning a corner in our little world. Sena is relaxing. Sleeping better. She has let her food issues go and is really turning into a typical 1.5 year old little angel. Zoe and Nora are being sweet to her most of the day. The screaming and hitting and fighting is getting less and less. Is it still crazy? Yes! Do they still fight over nothing and make me wanna pull my hair out and hide with a glass of wine? Yes! But we are a family now. We are entering into our new normally quite nicely these days! Only by the grace of God, an ultra supportive husband and lots of great family near by have we gotten here. 

Me and my little E.T after a bath! 

Heading to my sisters house for some apple pie wine and hallmark movies late one night. 

Waffle House with the bunch last week! We just happened upon it when our original destination was closed and it was so cute and yummy! 

Sweet girl after getting shots. One slight cringe and then clapping and cheering for herself! 

The whole gang on our weekly mad dash to preschool! 

Thanks for all who have prayed for us and our little family. It's been a tough few months (more on that later) and still crazy most of the time, but we are happy and oh so blessed! 

We are coming for you angel baby!!!!

And another unpublished part of our journey. 

(Night of the call!!!) 

I've got about two minutes to post because we are leaving town in a few hours for our last ever family of four trip! 

But we finally got the sacred call saying we have a court date in Ethiopia and will be leaving soon to meet our girl and go to court to officially make her an Agan always and forever!!!! 

I am on cloud 9. However, I am also kind of a mess trying to figure out how to coordinate a week long trip last minute out of country with two toddlers who definitely don't add much to the ease of planning. 

But, we will make it! We will be holding that sweet angel child so so very soon! I really cannot believe it. And as long as the wait has been, honestly it's been pretty seamless since our referral. We've miraculously gotten in before courts close and will have waited a little under 5 months post referral to going to meet her. We are definitely blessed!! We know others have not walked as easy of a path. We still have a few steps to go to finally have her adorable little chubby feet firm on the ground in Houston, Texas, but we are just so darn close!!!!

Thank you God for starting this story and now bringing it to completion!!! 

Ethiopia day 1:

Update: I'm just realizing these didn't upload in Ethiopia so I'm adding them to the blog. If you like order and reading things chronologically, sorry! 

We left DC mid morning after a lovely 24 hour vacation of sight seeing and yummy food. We were both pretty much on cloud 9, both so excited to meet our little girl and just really enjoying some toddler free time just the two of us!

After a bit of a mad dash to the gate, we boarded the plane. The flight was pretty uneventful, aside from the unfortunate fact that we didn't sleep at all.

We landed in Ethiopia and after getting some things arranged, set off to meet our girl. Unfortunately, Obama was in town this particular day and almost all the roads out of addis were blocked off for security. So we literally couldn't get out of town! I was really chomping at the bit at this point, and was also really starting to feel the 24 hours of no sleep, mixed with the crazy Ethiopian traffic and more exhaust and crazy driving than you can imagine! Our orphanage is in a rural area pretty far away from the main city of Addis. The car ride was no fun and as much as I just wanted to soak in Ethiopia, I was DYING to meet my little Sena Jane! 

About 5 hours later we were finally dropping our stuff off at our hotel and loading back up, toys in hand, to see our girl! 

After driving for what seemed like days earlier in the day, it felt like it was about 30 seconds and they were saying "we are here!" 

So, we got out and waited in a little front office kind of room. The director welcomed us and told me that I had a "face like Sena's" and motioned for us to sit down. They kept yelled out this little back window for a few minutes, periodically telling our translator things like "she is getting dressed" "she is getting a diaper". Then all of a sudden around the corner comes this tiny little baby girl with tiny little braids in her hair. 

All I could think was "she is so little!!" And what's odd is that she isn't little at all. But to me she looked like such a tiny little angel baby, I could hardly take it! 

Like labor, the events to follow were a blur. She was definitely scared of us and clung to her nanny for dear life. We later learned that this was her very favorite nanny. We talked to her and tried to lure her into our arms with a stuffed animal and sweet words. She wasn't sold on us one bit, however she was a trooper and let me hold her. Having that sweet baby finally in my arms is a feeling I can't explain. It just felt like a 1,000 pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. It wasn't going to be today or tomorrow or the next day, but my heart could finally relax knowing she has found her home.

We weren't able to spend all that much time at the orphanage. We played with several kids and were able to see her room and friends. We got in a few more sweet moments with Sena and could see her little personality starting to shine through! It was a great first meeting day! 

We left the orphanage and headed back to the lodge where we were staying. We were asleep in bed by 7:00pm. It was heavenly. We did wake up around 11:30pm to the sound of what had to be AT LEAST 50 monkeys directly above us, in our room with just screens and no fully closing windows, howling and screaming and making more noise than I've ever heard. I was officially pretty freaked out. But what is there to do other than just crank the sound machine up on your phone and pop a couple Tylenol pm. So that is what I did, and luckily my exhaustion won over my terror of the monkeys! 

Stay tuned for day two with our girl! 

Update-post that I realized failed upload in Ethiopia. So here ya go!

The little munchkin is sleeping and wifi is spotty here so this will be fast. 

Sena is doing wonderfully. She was terrified when we took her from the orphanage and seemed to handle this intrusion of her little life by sweating profusely (just on her face which indicates stress) and by refusing to let me feed her. It was a STRESSFUL night! She was well behaved and went right to sleep, but my mind was racing. Here lies this little girl who hasn't had a thing to drink in hours, hasn't had a wet diaper in even longer, has a monster fungal infection on her face and another mystery rash on her arms. I literally sat up in bed while she slept for hours. Like, 9 hours! 

The next day a new baby showed up. She actually gave into her hunger at about 3am and sucked down 2 bottles. That morning we were greeted by a sweet, smiling little angel. She took her bottle with no issues and then ate eggs and pancakes for breakfast. The little refuser of food had vanished. 

We got her visa that morning and then took her to the doctor. We learned that she did in fact have a ringworm on her head. Which we knew, but now we have medicine to treat it. So in about 24 more hours it should be dead and unable to be transmitted. This doesn't do much for me at all, as she insists on sleeping on my face. Literally. The things we do for our kids, right!? 

She is truly a lover!! She's so so happy and sweet and attaching so well to me! She even called me "mama" in the midde of the night. She loves to say "give me" in Amharic and has even picked up a few English words. Kids are amazing. She has said, "hi" "bye" "mama" and "baa baa (sheep in a book). She's remarkable smart, inquisitive and happy! I'm so excited to see her in the mix with her sisters. 

She is definitely experiencing grief. It seems to manifest at night. She sleeps fine, but is restless. She is also literally cutting 10'teeth. I've never seen anything like it. Her gums are swollen and even bleeding a little. She refuses to let me give her medicine and in the interest of maintaining the status of a safe, non threatening person to her I'm not forcing it. But we had our first meltdown as she was dealing with her itchy, healing ringworm, constipation from this world of food outside of pasta and rice and a monster version of super teething. It was sad and I felt pretty helpless as she tried to use the few little amharic words she has to communicate with me and all I could do was rock her and offer a bottle while she screamed! 

But, she is napping now and we are in awe of this little gift from God!! She is a strong, resilient little girl and we are so blessed to be her family! 

I can't wait for Lance and the girls to meet this little ray of sunshine! She's a different baby than the one Lance and I met last month! 

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

iPhone dump

A picture is worth a thousand words. Right? ;) 

MONDAY:

Toy store to buy chalk and paint. Has to ride the horse of course! 

Afternoon play date with one of our favs. 

Zoe being the sweet angel that she is 24/7 and singing Sena to sleep! 

TURSDAY: 

Attack of the Agan ear infections strike again. The victim was Nora this time. 

WEDNESDAY: 

Watching our cinnamon toast bake. 

Early one up today. This is about 2 episodes of Daniel tiger and three cups of coffee for mama later. 

Painting fun. 

THURSDAY:

Had to snap a shot of sweet pea before waking her up for sissies school party. 

Fruit feast at the preschool. 

Sena being cute. Duh. 

FRIDAY: 

It's called do anything you can to

Survive until daddy comes home for the weekend! 

SATURDAY:

So much love. So so so much love. 

SUNDAY:

Decorating, umm destroying, the Christmas tree! ;) 

Sister love. 

"Hey daddy does this make you nervous?" I kept telling them that they were making me nervous so they began to ask with every ornament if they were making me nervous. Silly girls. 

Realized Zoe is allergic to peanuts too. Omg. At least we didn't end up at the E.R.! 

Reading by the tree before bedtime. It's like a marathon to get all teeth brushed, everyone settled with their beverage of choice, jammies on, blankies, and lovies distributed, but then it's sweet sleepy baby calmness and I'm in heaven! 

So there is a snap shot of or week. Insert a few timeouts, Sena biting someone, Nora pulling Zoe's hair and Zoe whining more than any one human should be subjected too. Because well, they are 1.5 & 2.5! But all in all its was a great week. With great kids and we are ready to take on the one to come!