I didn't write this but I LOVE it!

I have had little Jane and adoption on my heart all day. One of those days where I have been thinking about orphans all day and every child that walked into my office made me think about one just like them without a family. It kills me. Causes me actual physical pain. 

I have had a selfish week. I really don't know how else to put it. I have been a such a little brat all week. I have been dwelling on things that really aren't that big of a deal. I got caught up in the nasty comparison game and started feeling a little bad for myself for the things I lack. I lost sight this week of what matters. I lost sight of what is truly important to me. 

I came across this post and couldn't have said it better myself. I am a waste of space on this earth if I forget that my purpose it to love others. Regardless of my job or finances or anything else. I am worthless if I think I am here only to be comfortable. I am way off if I am more worried about having extra money to fix up my house than about saving extra money for our adoption or helping others adopt. Why this is such a constant battle I will never know. But what I know for sure is that God designed us to start new each day and beg him to make our hearts like his. I have to beg away the selfishness each day. Thank goodness God can change our hearts!! 

Enjoy this post. I had to smile reading the part about the couple talking about adoption in bed. No words can describe the feeling of hearing God call you specifically to something and saying yes. It gives me chills just thinking about it! If you honestly ask God what he wants from you he will reveal it....no doubt! Fear literally morphs into joy!! Its such an amazing, supernatural thing. 

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

~ Mother Teresa

Image with me for a minute… 

Right now, today… you are small and alone. 

You are hungry and lost. 

You have no home, no parents, and seemingly no future. 

You are scared, and weak, from days without food. You have no where to go, no where to be. 

People walk by you but they don’t even look your way.

 It’s like you are invisible, nothing. 

You keep walking, your feet are bleeding and sore… and yet still you manage to cling to the small bit of hope, the little voice inside your head that says maybe, just maybe, one day things will get better. 

Maybe one day -you will matter. 

It is getting dark outside- inside your fear is growing. 

Where will you go? 

Your heart is beating faster, and your fear becomes over whelming, consuming your every thought. 

Then you see it, a dirty, broken cardboard box and you bow your head thanking God for His provision. 

For you have found it- shelter. 

Safety, if only for one night. 

You slip underneath it, hugging yourself, vowing once again not to cry- because by now you know tears are a waste of your strength. 

Your eyes become heavy, despite the sweltering temperature. 

As you begin to drift off to sleep you pray, hoping, dreaming, of a family of your own one day... 

of a place where you will matter...

to someone.

Half away around the world is a family... 

They are just sitting down to dinner together. 

They are smiling and their laughter fills the room. 

Dinner is served and they bow their heads and they pray- thanking God for their many blessings… their home, their job, the food that is set before them. 

They lift their heads and go back to the laughter and the joy. 

They talk of their upcoming vacation plans, the lunch date they shared with a friend today and the movie they plan to see this coming weekend.

More laughter, more excitement, more. 

As the leftovers are scraped into the garbage can and the table is cleaned up, hot bubble bathes are taken by all. 

Evening settles in, and the family slips under their down comforters preparing for a good nights sleep. 

Before turning out the lights, the husband leans over to kiss his wife good-night. She shyly smiles at him and begins to tell him that she has been feeling that perhaps God is calling them to adopt. 

The room grows quiet as they are both lost in their own thoughts… their minds are flooded with questions, concern, and then inevitably -fear. 

How could they manage? 

Another child?

Why, they already have two! 

Where would they put the child? 

Who would share a room? 

How could they afford to adopt? 

Would they be able to take that vacation? 

What would people think? 

What if the child, you know, caused ‘problems’?

As their eyelids become heavy, they begin to drift off to sleep... and they think to themselves ‘surely not’. 

Surely God knows this is not convenient. 

Surely God wants them to take that vacation they deserve...

Surely he knows how busy they are. 

They have plans and they have dreams.

As sleep overcomes them, the temperature in their master bedroom is perfect… and their pillows are fluffed to perfection. 

Life is good for them, just as they had planned... 

Because after all, they matter...

Too much...

to themselves.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. "- 1 John 3:16-20

Well......

I really don't know how to put this so I will just spit it out. We are pregnant....with twins!

I have been a bit hesitant to post because we have been SO adoption focused and I feared people would think we were stopping the adoption. NO WAY!!! You would literally have to fight me and I would win hands down in a fight over my little Jane Jordan!

We have told our wonderful adoption agency and they were thrilled for us and SO supportive! We will keep moving down the list like normal and just see how things pan out time wise. But yes yes yes we are still adopting! I would be lying if I told you I have not had a few moments of anxiety since finding out we were having twins. I mean HELLO....TWO BABIES! We never even thought we would be pregnant with ONE! However, I love them both so much already. The second we saw those TWO little heart beats I was a mom of twins. Anxiety was replaced by love in that moment!

We have quite the story about pursuing a concurrent domestic adoption and then having those doors closed and then pursuing some other things as well. It's a long story that I don't really feel comfortable putting on the blog for now. However, feel free to come ask me if you would like!

I WILL be posting updates on my babies!! My "tummy" babies are looking great and measuring right on track at about 10 weeks! I have been very sick. The kind of sick that is pretty much 24/7. It has been kind of tough working and just doing life. However, as Lance keeps reminding me, I am growing two people and that can't be easy! However, I will take every ounce of nausea and throwing up! It just means my babies are growing strong! Love them already!

My little Ethiopian baby is hopefully safe in her mommies tummy or being safely taken care of somewhere. We didn't move this last month so we are still at #17. It will be interesting to see how this will all play out. I wish I could know what God knows at times like this!! But I love that little girl so so much and can't wait to meet her.

It's an odd feeling to get pregnant when your mind has been on adoption for so long. I thought I would feel torn about what to do or what to read. Do I read about adoption or nursing!? Attachment parenting or childbirth!? I thought it would be hard to mentally balance the two but it really isn't. It's hard to answer questions about time lines because we really just can't see or anticipate the future on this one. But I don't feel torn or like I abandoned Jane. God is the giver of life and He saw us as fit to handle this. Oh. My. Goodness!

I had dinner last night with my mom and she looked at me and said, "Can you even really believe this!?" And I really can't. I am surprised after each ultrasound that there are actually two human beings growing in my belly.

I know a lot of people adopting are adopting out of a history of infertility and believe me I know infertility well. The amazing blessing of all this is not wasted on me. I know someone is bound to read this and feel pain. That makes me really sad because I know the feeling. Wanting to adopt with 100% all your heart while still longing to have a biological child is really hard and can cause lots of guilt. But it should not!! God made most women to desire biological children and you should never feel bad for having that desire or for not having that desire for that matter. Sorry I just had to throw that in there!!

I will forever understand the challenges that infertility and adoption and the whole thing that can bring. I will always understand the roller coaster of emotions and ever changing feelings. I can sympathize with the guilt trip you can put yourself on at times and have become familiar with the hurtful comments others can bring simply out of a lack of understanding. I know that you can want to adopt with all your heart and at the same time want to throw your computer in the trash so you don't have to see another post like this one. Another person pregnant...yippee. I really just totally get it!

All that to say we are thrilled! We do not deserve these blessings but we are thankful. Thank you for always praying for our family and please continue to pray for us as we go from 2 to 5 rather quickly!

 Both babies....best friends already! :)

 Baby "A"

Baby "B"

 

Sorry these are fuzzy. They are pictures of pictures. But they were moving all around today at the ultrasound. We could see the little hands and feet. We saw their brains and blood flowing through their little bodies. Hear their heartbeats too. It was hard for the doctor to get a clear picture because they were moving so much!  It really is just so amazing! But everyone is happy and healthy and there are definitely TWO growing babies in my belly. So crazy!

Update!!!

Sorry I have been MIA!! Started work, huge change and learning curve, but I'm in my car at 3:30 on the dot and loving it! Lots of other stuff going on too that I will post about later but for now let's get to the news of the MONTH!!!! We are now #17 on the waiting list for Jane!! Umm can you believe that!?!? I opened my email this morning and just stared at the screen for a second slightly confused and then was freaking out with excitement!! We have moved 21 spots total since we started waiting and some of those months have been SLOOW movement so if you do the math and things continue to move along we are definitely over half way there!! Oh little Jane we can't wait to meet you!!!

Created for Care.....yipee!!

I just signed up for the 2013 Created for Care retreat in Atlanta. I went last year and it was such a wonderful experience. Imagine if your passion was cooking and someone told you to go to a beautiful resort outside Atlanta and spend 3 days with hundreds of other people who shared your passion for cooking. Then all the experts in the cooking world did cooking demonstrations all days and shared their secrets and you left feeling like you just may be able to cook a decent meal after all!

Well that's how I feel about this retreat. I went last year and could not believe all the women that shared my heart for adoption and were seriously killing it with their parenting skills! I felt like a student soaking up all the knowledge and when I left I felt like I could maybe just maybe do this whole thing too!

I REALLY hope I have a sweet little referral picture to show off to everyone once I am there. Last year we were still waiting to get on the wait list and I remember women walking around with tons of pictures of their little ones in Africa, or Asia, all over, and were so proud and so excited to finally get them home! That felt like such a distant reality for me at that point! By the retreat we will have been waiting about 12 months so I think it is a real possibility that we will finally know what Jane's sweet little face looks like. However, it is also a very real possibility that we won't know yet either and that's ok too....apparently these things can't be rushed hehe! 

Very excited to see what is in store this year and see where we are as a family by January 25!

Domestic Adoption

In May Lance and I attended a meeting at the Gladney Center for Adoption. Lots of random things landed us in this particular meeting. We were there to learn about domestic African American adoption. It was so awesome!! I had never really considered this type of adoption seriously before and after attending this meeting I realized that domestic adoption, in a completely different way, is just as beautiful as international adoption. In a sense it seems more heart wrenching, meeting birth mothers that are engaging in the most selfless thing you could ever do seems hard. Having someone hand you a teeny infant and watching that mother leave without her child seems almost impossible to comprehend. The instant change in status for both mothers involved is hard to wrap your mind around.

However, once again we were stopped in our tracks with the huge need for adoption. Adoption takes a long time. It involves opening up your heart knowing that it may be broken. This was the main "risk" we saw in this type of adoption. We saw how in Domestic adoption you could very likely meet a child and think you were going home with it and then all can change in a moments notice. People say that international adoption isn't for the faint of heart and that's true. However, after seeing both sides I feel like domestic adoption REALLY isn't for the faint of heart and I have so much respect for everyone involved in a domestic adoption.

Anyway, after this meeting Lance and I went to Chuys and were seriously on cloud nine with excitement talking about Jane having a sibling that looks like her. Not only that but this baby could be here soon!! We spoke with our agency and told them our plans to peruse a concurrent adoption. Our adoption coordinator was equally excited about all of it and we talked through a few little things and were given the OK!

Well, a few things then occurred and after a month of praying and talking this through we realized that this was just not the time to adopt another baby. I was really sad. They gave us 90 days to make our final decision. Today was day 90 and I had to email and tell them "not yet". I was really sad. However, if you were to ask me my feelings on domestic adoption, I would tell you that I think it is one of the most beautiful things ever. I would tell you that I would be shocked if we make it to the end of parenthood without having adopted domestically.

Sometimes I feel like God keeps telling me to wait. However, I am learning so much in this wait. And one more thing I can add to this season of life is a growing love for domestic adoption! It's amazing. And I feel strongly that it can't be put in a box because NO adoption is the same. We hear stories all the time about the "risks of domestic adoption". However, to me that would be like saying I don't want to go to work because of the "risk of getting in a car accident" or I don't wanna go to the beach because of the "risk of a shark attack" (can you tell I am watching shark week as I type!). Nothing in life worth doing comes without risk. But when you take that "risk" you give God so much to work with!

I don't ever want to be still just waiting for my life to fall into place right in front if me. I want to be constantly searching for what God has in store for me. As of right now that isn't domestic adoption. However, I wish I could see what God sees because I have a feeling it just may be part of our future!

Following along....

So up until about a week ago I was clueless that our adoption agency had a Facebook group. It's great because it has tons of resources about travel and what to expect and little things like hair care and all that.

The bad/good thing is that it also has updates every time someone gets a referral. So now instead of just waiting clueless until the first of each month for our number, I kind of have the urge to follow the referrals that are posted online! The thing is that not all referrals given will allow us to move because some may be for children above what we have set our age range and I don't think we move in that case. ANYWAY it is interesting and does give you an idea of movement month to month! 

All that to say, it seems this has already been an AMAZING month for referrals!! So far in August, 7 have been given out! I don't totally know what that means for us yet, but I think it may possibly mean that now we are #16!!!!! I guess time will tell come Sept. 1!! But would that be awesome for what!?!? 

If we could manage to move 7 spots each month from now on we could have our babies picture in no time!! But I should probably not get ahead of myself here and just be thankful for a good month!! :) 

Her little face

It's no surprise that I am excited about our adoption. I will never forget Sept. 30 when I pushed "submit" on the computer screen, officially saying we were beginning the journey. We were then given our checklist, well I use that word lightly because this "checklist" filled an entire binder, and we were on our way. I was a crazy person and was up until 2 am for a month straight getting everything in order FAST, and was so happy to be doing it!!! We ran around Houston for a couple months getting everything ready and then were a WAITING FAMILY!! We were officially waiting for her!!

6 months has past since we were finally on the waiting list and not much happens anymore to keep adoption at the front of our minds. All we can do is wait. As hard as waiting can be, each month that passes I get more and more excited and this month in particular I think I could burst with excitement!!! Tonight I am laying awake thinking about her little face. Thinking about that precious little brown face that I will get to kiss everyday. That little face that will be my DAUGHTER. That perfect little face that we will take a 1,000 pictures of that will be plastered all over all of our walls. That little face that will always remind us just how much God loves us and just how blessed we are. That little face that will hopefully always remind us that orphans are Gods children and we are here to be Jesus to them. I know all parents say this, but I just know that little face is going to change a lot of lives. I know that because we haven't even met her yet and she has changed our lives. That little face has taught us how to trust God, love others, have patience, and pray like never before. That little face has opened our eyes to the need to step outside our "normal" with a cheerful heart. That little face is already changing our lives and I can't wait until she is here in the flesh sitting in my living room!

I often spend hours daydreaming about doing her hair and taking her to church for the first time. Watching her open up her Christmas presents and playing with her cousins. All those little things parents look forward to. But tonight all I can think about is that little face. That tiny slice of perfection that God is going to bless us with when the time is right! I can ramble on so I will leave it at this.

This makes me "get" adoption more than any other verse. Well for today at least. I am very scattered with my bible reading and am constantly floored with new revelations! :)

"For those who are led by the spirit of God are the children of God. The spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share his sufferings in order that we may also share his glory."

Romans 8: 14-17

God is saying here that through accepting him and sharing in his suffering we receive his spirit. By this we are made his child! Equal to his son! But this is not just any son. This is JESUS! We are now the sons and daughters of God! Let that soak in. It is pretty amazing. I believe that God is wanting us to mirror this behavior in our own lives. Where would be be without our father in heaven? If God wouldn't have so graciously accepted us we would be orphans. We would be aimless and without purpose.

I do not believe that God NEEDS us to watch over orphans in order for them to have a father. They already have their one true Father. I think he is allowing us to engage in this act of love because he knows it will bring us joy and a deeper understanding of his love for us. What better way to understand Gods love than to do your best to emulate it?

Very very humbled with this gift that hasn't even made it into our arms yet, but has completely changed us! I will go to bed tonight praying for that perfect little face!! :)