36!!!!!

We received the the long awaited email with our wait list number today. We have been hearing horror stories about Ethiopia, like people being put on lists at #115 or people waiting for 10 months and then only being at #60. I was content that whatever number we were given was meant to be, but I really wanted to see double digits!

Lance and I were at lunch and I had my phone laying on the table next to me. I saw that I had an email and opened it to see it titled "Agan updated wait list". I jumped and then was almost afraid to open it! I knew my heart would either sink or I would be really happy!

So, I opened it and and yelled out THIRTY SIX!! Most everyone sitting around me turned and stared at me. I then loudly read the entire email verbatim to Lance and then more people were staring at me hehe!

I was thinking today that once we get our baby home, that means that 35 other babies have gone home to their new families ahead of us. It makes me SO happy that so many children are becoming part of a family!

I am also counting my blessings that God chose to give us a relatively low number. Things can still happen to slow us down, and in adoption its not a matter of "if" but"when", but we are going to enjoy today and this big step forward! We were told 6-8 months to be matched now so I am praying hard for us to have her picture by summer. Then the real fun can begin! :)

People keep saying to me, "it's like you are pregnant" and until now I just couldn't go there because things were so unknown! But now I am there. It is like I'm pregnant! Whoo hoo!!

Thankful

Lance and I attended a workshop today about adoption. What else! Hehe

I don't have time to write much but I had to acknowledge this. The focus of a lot of the sessions today were how our pasts and the examples that were set from our parents strongly relate to our ability to nurture and relate to our own kids. There was an entire hour session about healing pasts hurts in order to be emotionally available to your child. We explored all the styles of parenting (e.g., authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and negligent). Story after story was shared about how hard it is to be a strong authority for your child, while permitting them to have a voice. They discussed the need for structure and nurture to be hand in hand and the problems that can arise when a parent was never given a good example because there parents were either totally permissive of totally the strong authoritarian.

I would like to think I will be the "ideal" style that will promote a sense of confidence and safety for my child. Who really knows. But I do know that I learned from the very very best and am so thankful for the foundation I was given. My parents and Lance's parents are playing more of a role than they know in our children's lives!!

Thanks mom and dad for being such a wonderful example of how to parent in love and kindness!!

Happy Valentines little baby that we love!! :)

Happy Valentine's day little Jane! We just got an email that our paperwork has finally arrived in your country. We are waiting for an email later this week to see where we fall on the waiting list. We hope the number is small, we are so ready to come pick you up! I am praying for a number in the 30's. (Please feel free readers to pray that prayer with me!)

If you have been born we pray that someone is loving on you, hugging you, and cuddling with you. I hope someone rocks you to sleep tonight and kisses your cute little face! 

However, if no one is physically loving on you right now, know that your mommy and daddy will cuddle you every hour of the day if we need to once you get home!

Until then, will pray that you feel the love and protection of Jesus who created perfect little you! And we know he will never leave your side! 

We hope that you are home with us by this time next year. Mommy will dress you up from head to toe in pink and red and let you eat as much candy as you want! 

Ok little love bug, thats all for now! Even though we have never met you, we miss you more than you know!

Love you little Jane Jordan! 

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Waiting

I read this on a friends blog today:

"When you decided to wait for the best, did you think that waiting would be fun? Did you think that your faith would not be tested? When you decided to take the narrow path, did no one warn you that difficulties, hardship, and tears would be part of the journey, and that you would often face rejection from others and be forced to walk alone? My daughter, that which you wait for the longest you treasure the most, and through much struggle the prize is won." — Sarah Mally (Before You Meet Prince Charming: A Guide to Radiant Purity)

I read this today and although I know this is a passage aimed at addressing waiting for a "mate" it really spoke to me about our wait for our Jane. It gently reminded me that we did choose this road, well we chose go follow Gods will, and we will treasure her more than anything once she is in our arms.

On that note, let me assure you that I DO not have it all together in this wait! I had a wise friend tell me that once you start the adoption process Satan tries to attack you constantly. My naive self took the advice but left thinking "I am a pretty together person who is definitely not at risk of Satan attacking me. That is a fear that people with weak faith need to fear". Let me tell you my friends, the second you start thinking that you may as well throw a party and invite Satan as the guest of honor! Seriously.

There has been some definite spiritual warfare around here lately but we are on the other end now and I am honestly kind of glad my faith was put to the test. I did NOT rise to the occasion. Not at all. It was a good wake up call for me! :)

Sometimes I wonder what is going on in Africa when we seem to be having a hard time here. I wonder if our little Jane was born or if her mom just decided she couldn't care for her. I often wonder if Satan sees the nearness of one of "the least of these" finding a home and a family and tries to pull out all the stops to keep her from coming home.

Who knows. But one day I sure do have a lot of questions for God. On a funny note, every black little girl that walks into my office now may as well be our Jane Jordan. I just stare at their beautiful little brown skin and big eyes and want to squeeze them. I don't of course. Well, maybe I do. Hehe

Ok, happy Thursday. I am so glad to be wrapping up this work week and definitely like my new job! :)

Work puppy

Today was my first day of work at my new clinic. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to transition back into 10 hour work days after my 3 week "sabbatical", as Lance was calling it. But I think I am going to love my new job! First of all, the place is SO clean!! That is probably more important to me than my salary hehe! Everyone is great and it is a tiny company. We have 5 SLPs. Today I was sitting on the floor and this tiny puppy jumped into my lap. In was so confused but was then told we have a therapy puppy for speech! So, me and little Harley will get to become buddies!

Not the worlds biggest animal fan, but I think this puppy may be an exception!

Happy Monday!

Ps. I have no idea why the pic is so giant.

San Antonio-re:church fundraiser & my love buggie blues!

A couple of weeks ago Lance's brother Reid set up an awesome fundraiser for us! He goes to a small, home based church in San Antonio called re:church and they had a dinner for us to raise awareness and raise money for our adoption. It was SO GREAT! No one in the entire church, with the exception of Reid, knew us and they were so generous. Mario and Maria and their awesome son Andres (SO CUTE), worked themselves to the bone getting a fabulous, homemade meal together for us. Maria had cute little touches everywhere and it was SO cute! Maria even went onto my blog and made a poster from a print I am putting in the baby room. I didn't take my camera and was only able to snap a few shots with Lance's phone. We had so much fun meeting all the wonderful people at Reid's church. Thanks guys!!! We were so encouraged by all of you!!

In other news, the time has come to say goodbye to my little bug! It is really a super sentimental car. Right after we got married, I casually mentioned that I have always wanted a Beetle. No joke, I left for Colorado and Lance had to stay behind and work and when I got home he bought me a beetle. It is my little love bug!! However, it has been having engine trouble and didn't pass inspection this time. It was going to cost us about $1,000 to get it all fixed and since we were planning on trading it in this summer for a momma car, we decided not to spend the money to fix it and sell it now. I really will cry when I drive away without my little car!! :( Maria sent us home with tons of personalized things with quotes and scriptures about parenting. SO sweet! :) This has nothing to do with the dinner, but I found this on the phone and laughed. Betho told me that the other night Lance came in, picked up Max and disappeared into the back of the house. I guess they were taking a photo shoot. Look at that rosy little face. I love those guys!! :) Cute little touches everywhereEmpty pans of homemade pasta. Yummy!

C4C retreat 2012....and some other thoughts

This past weekend I attended an adoption retreat in Atlanta. It was really good. I have taken a lot away from this weekend and ironically the majority of what I am taking away has little to do with the ins and outs of international adoption and a LOT to do with my heart.

My first morning at the retreat a woman spoke about refinement. This is not a word I use much and I haven't ever spent much time defining this word. We didn't spend much time talking about refinement but I prayed that morning asking God to " Take ME away and replace it with YOU." I have decided that my heart cannot truly be refined until all the desires of ME are gone and replaced with the desires of HIM. I am making that my new definition of "refined".

As the weekend progress, as awesome as it was TRULY, some very real emotions and feelings were surfacing in my heart and I clearly heard God tell me that my heart cannot be refined until I face some of these emotions that He surfaced this weekend. Which I had NO idea even existed or existed to the extent that they do. It amazes me that God knows the deepest part of my heart even more clearly and fully than I do.

I sat in our last session this morning and these very specific words came to mind:
1. Anxiety
2. Pride
3. Arrogance
4. Fear
5. Control
6. Vanity
7. Envy
These are struggles that have been hiding in the deepest part of my heart (some deeper than others) that I have been unable to address and make peace with because quite honestly I was unaware they were so present. I am thankful God has surfaced these dark parts of my heart and with his HUGE unending amount of grace I know he will help me work through and get rid of every last one of these nasty words mentioned above. Although I am not new to my journey with God, I feel like He has taken our relationship to a whole different place. I now know a father that wants what is best for me AND wants to use me for His glory. Up until recently I had a hard time believing the two worked together. I would find myself feeling like I was driving on empty and God continued to ask more from me. But each day I am realizing more and more that He loves me and cares deeply for my heart.

Out of curiosity while waiting in Atlanta airport I goggled "refine". Here is what I got:
Refine: with impurities or unwanted elements having been removed by professing.
The next definition was: In the process of purification.

So that is me right now. In the process of purification. In the process of having the pure heart God intended for me.

In the meantime I am going to need some time to process all that has filled my brain about orphans, adoption, and faith. I am on overload right now and really wouldn't know where to begin!

But I will say that I fall in love with adoption more and more every day! I know this is what our family was created for from the beginning of time. I get asked a lot about biological children and have even been asked recently, "Don't you want your own babies too?" I understand this question and am beginning to understand more and more that adoption is not a calling that is placed on everyone's heart. This weekend a women put it so very clearly. She said that there is an obvious need for people to address the orphan crisis and believe me it is a CRISIS!! But then she said this: A need it there. A need will always be there. However, A NEED-A CALL=TROUBLE and a NEED+A CALL= TREASURE.

Here are some scriptures I have had on my mind lately:

Romans 10:17-18
Consequently faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

Ephesians 4:1-7
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. [2] Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. [3] Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. [4] There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called—[5] one Lord, one faith, one baptism; [6] one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. [7] But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

Philippians 2:1-30
Imitating Christ’s Humility If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, [2] then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. [3] Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. [4] Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. [5] Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: [6] Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, [7] but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. [8] And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! [9] Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, [10] that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, [11] and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Shining as Stars [12] Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, [13] for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. [14] Do everything without complaining or arguing, [15] so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe [16] as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. [17] But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. [18] So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

These passages above speak so clearly to me and our life right now! I encourage you to read them too and see how God is speaking to your life. Because whether it is adoption, caring for the poor or 1,000 other possibilities, God has a BIG plan and purpose for your life. He loves us so much and knows are truest, deepest sense of joy and purpose comes when we serve him!!

And to address the "don't you want your own baby" question my answer is, Yes I want to experience pregnancy one day and have the opportunity to nurture a child from birth, however Jane Jordan is "our own baby" and will always be 100% equal to any biological child we may have. Our family will follow God 100% and consider whatever children he places in our life a gift!! We are not promised anything, not even children, and consider our little Ethiopian angel such a precious, wonderful, miraculous gift because God created her and she IS a miracle! :-

This video was brought to my attention last week and I just sat down and watched it. I won't even go into detail about my feelings about this video but I think it is one everyone needs to take the 8 minutes to watch.



Ok, wow long post huh!? I will stop now! :) Happy Monday!

My roomie Lindsey! We had SO much fun getting to know each other. I am so grateful that we were connected through our blogs! :)

View from our room! So beautiful!! :)

Some new friends. I met so many people with so many different stories that led them to adoption. It was so easy to connect with all the girls I met this weekend and it was so refreshing to be around 400 other people who shared my heart for adoption.