When God is silent

Today has been hard. Really, everyday since seeing that little girls face has been hard. But once our last hearing took place on June 30th leaving us with nothing left to wait for expert a call saying "come meet your daughter", the wait has been excruciating. 

Each Friday when the days ends and no news comes, it inches us that much closer to the courts closing for the rest of summer for rainy season. It closes the door on any hope of this week being "the week". So we start the next week, with extremely feeble hearts trying with all our might to be positive and expect this week to be "the week." 

This Friday was particularly hard because our little girls turns another month old. Another month without a family and suffocatingly close to being stuck in an orphanage for 8 extra weeks if we don't get a court date this month. 

Sometimes the weight of all of it feels like it is crushing me. The thought that she is thirsty or hungry or sick without her mama literally sits on my chest like a giant weight. I feel it lumping up in my throat. It's a constant burden. It grows everyday with the sadness of what seems like unanswered prayers. 

Right now I feel like God is silent. My deep seated faith allows me to know that God is working in this even when he is silent. But my heart and mommy instincts are sad, and confused, and just flat out mad about this long drawn out process to get a child that has been without a mommy for almost half her life now. 

Please pray for us. I know it's hard for someone on the outside to understand the fierce emotions that can come with adoption. That can come for a baby you have never met. I can only explain it as supernatural because I feel for her, pray for her and worry for her just like I do for the ones safely under my roof. Our hearts have been knitted together across the ocean. 

Pray we get the call soon! I know God calls us to pray boldly and expectantly. I am trying. I just need this little one safe in my arms. 

July 4th

We had a super 4th of July weekend! Anytime Lance has an extra day off we are all 4 very thankful! We spent a whole lotta time just chilling. Lazy mornings, long trips to the pool and relaxed schedules for all. It was perfect. We had a great night hanging with friends complete with, of course, hot dogs and hamburgers and some late night crazy neighborhood fireworks. Our neighborhood is a bit out of control each year, and the fireworks were literally going off in every direction as we unloaded the car on the night of the  4th. Nora was beside herself with terror Zoe thought they were "bootifult!" 

But the break was great and we are all back to the grind tomorrow. But happy to be going in happy and refreshed! 

Spontaneous sister snuggles with Daddy. They just love when Lance is home in the morning. It's such a treat for them. They just want to be near him. It's presh!

Their favorite activity while we wait for our food. Yes, eating sugar. 

Nora and daddy at our very short lived park outing. The actual park equipment was too hot to even touch and we decided nothing aside from the pool was a humane outdoor activity at this point! 

Thy girls ask for chocolate milk the second they get up and have specific requests for what cup they would like too! They are proudly showing Daddy here. 

I hope everyone soaked in some fun family time this weekend! Happy week ahead. And more to come soon on how we have reason to believe that it's almost time (hopefully) to start packing our bags to go meet Jane!! 

If you need a good laugh.....

Ever have a day that is just SO bad it's funny!? I don't really believe in "bad" days, because there is always something good in a day, even if it's only a thing or two. But oh good gracious above, my day today was pretty bad! And as I sit on my couch drinking my diet sprite and eating my peppers and hummus (yes, my happy place) I am just laughing about the horror of it all! 

The day began rough because I was up until 4am! Why? 3 cups of coffee at 6pm the evening before and then a surge of compulsive nursery decorating, that's why. So I was probably a bit on the edgy side, but still. 

The girls refused to eat breakfast and Nora actually found a way to scale the refrigerator and open both doors and then proceeded to distribute food to Zoe while I was in the bathroom. When I got back they were literally waist deep in left over catfish from the night before and lemon sauce. Gross. 

We hit the road to go have a TB test read that I had to do & they managed to break off part of the giant bin of bouncy balls in the drug store while I was with the nurse and it was like a surge of balls pouring through the aisles of CVS! Not awesome, but we managed to make a game out of catching the balls. Thank goodness they are twins in matching pink dresses and pigtails because they were able to win over all employees when really we should have been run out! 

Later in the afternoon once back home from errands and a double melt down at chick fil a, Nora's eyes both swelled up pretty significantly and I couldnt figure out why. She then went into hysterics for no reason. I was a little concerned, but ended up just giving her a dose of allergy meds and moved on. 

So as I finally get both girls ready for naps and situated I stand up and accidentally knock a huge wooden shelf off the wall. It hits me on the back of the head, knocks me down, and I can't see for several seconds!! Once I can see my ears are ringing so bad and I'm literally seeing spots. All the while laying in a heaping pile of broken tea sets, while the girls just watch from the glider. I then get the glass cleaned up in what felt like a drunked stooper and try to read the girls a book, where I then accidentally hit Nora in the face (hard) with a page and she loses it again. Literally because it slipped out of my groggy hand! 

I spent the next 45 minutes contemplating going to the ER because I still couldn't see or think straight. But decide id rather not and just move along with the day! 

After the girls arose we went to my parents house, where they were perfect. Which was the saving grace of the day. But literally the second we walked back in they both just started screaming again. Lance had just got home and was looking at me like "uh what are they on!?" It was weird. Zoe was even trying to pull my hair out at one point! Y'all, what on earth!? 

But now the little crazy heads are asleep and I am smiling and feeling accomplished for making it. Hard to tell what can make a toddler switch personalities for a day, but I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. At least I'm counting on no head injuries. 

I guess Zoe took this while I was helping Nora with her eye situation. 

Poor puffy head. 

A few moments of peace if I was willing to let them decorate my head! 

The giant shelf that tried to kill me. But so thankful it didn't fall on one of the girls!!!

So see? So bad it's funny. But I will say these days are very few and far between. A hey, everyone is allowed to have off days. We will attempt redemption tomorrow! ❤️

Happy Father's Day! ❤️

I wanted to give a little Father's Day shoutout to my hubby on the blog since the people that he actually fathers can't speak up and brag on him yet! 

We had a great little day. Nothing really out of the ordinary. We agreed to do cards only for most holidays this year and that's been great. However, I did flag down a random lawn crew Saturday evening and begged them to mow our lawn "just once" so Lance could have no tasks on Sunday. People with little kids know that time is precious, so yes this was money well spent! 

But we just relaxed, enjoyed family time, hotdogs and cheesecake (yikes), and I made sure Lance was free of all diaper changes or really any "kid tasks" in general that aren't that fun. 

I am so lucky to call this one mine and my girls are so lucky too! We are at such a sweet spot in our parenting journey right now. I am soaking up all the memories of this time. Of the four voices signing in the girls pitch black room at night, of the "family hugs" and hilarious dinner time "conversation" with two two year olds, and just all the playing and laughing and glances across the room that Lance and I give each other often when the supreme drama emerges from the girls! I'm trying to store it away in my mind so I never forget this ultra sweet spot we are in! So sweet in fact that as I was washing dishes the other night I truly felt profoundly sad that the girls wouldn't stay 2 forever. I fought the urge to go wake up Lance and demand a new baby, like, now! I need my little baby Jane to get here quick. I'm so ready for another little one! I never in a million years understood how people had multiple children when my girls were newborns (I was not thriving as a mom of newborn twins most of the time). But then they became not so newborn and it's just so much fun! 

And we wouldn't be here if we didn't have our awesome Daddy completing our little Family dynamic! Lance you are why everything works. Heaven knows if it were all left to me we would have no power, gas, electric, Internet or health insurance. Really anything involving paying bills on time. I'd also probably be in jail because of expired, well everything that can expire. Thank you for leaving me to only handle raising the girlies and doing a little speech pathology on the side. Two jobs that give me joy! You are allowing me to live out my lifelong dream. You wake up HOURS before the rest of us and are gone all day so that I can live my dream. I feel guilty at times, but I also know your sacrifice is allowing me to disciple the hearts of the ones God entrusted us under our roof and I'm so thankful. Thanks for knowing my limits and stepping in where I Iack (which is a lot). And thanks for praying for our family and leading us like it's your top priority! 

You make the good times even better, the hard times so much easier and the mundane times so very pleasant. We all love you so much!

Happy Father's Day Lance! 

Red eye phase. This was a phase of about 4 months where we would go to bed at 10, feed babies at 11:30 and then again at 4am. Then Lance would shower and leave for work around 6am bc he was commuting over an hour each way! So yes, this super dad slept about 5 hours a night and started most days at 4am! And no amount of begging would keep him from helping me nurse the girls at each feeding. I will never forget Lances long, giant self hanging off the love seat just waiting for me to wake him to burp a baby and then help me get them both back nursing and happy. Those were THE days! So hence, "red eye phase". 

Still in the "red eyes phase" but maybe beginning to see the light! 

No amount of long commuting could keep this daddy from being the most fun guy around to the two! 

Much more rested phase now that these teenagers sleep until 9am! 

Daddy drink stop. 

So tiny and all so sweet! 

His little loves of his life! ❤️❤️❤️

They are both saying "yook yook I have avocado in my mouth!" 

Anything Daddy does is cool! 

Let's keep this ball rolling!!

So for those of you who don't have Facebook and can't keep up with my obsessive adoption updating, prayer requests and ya know, venting, here is the latest. 

THE PRELIMINARY HEARING WE WERE PRAYING FOR IS SCHEDULED!! 

So put simply, after this meeting this month we are just waiting for a call. THE call to say we have a court date and it's time to pack our bags and head to Ethiopia to make our little Jane Jordan legally and officially and FOREVER ours! 

It's surreal that after all these years, and I mean ALL these years, that we are finally going to hop on a plane as if it's no big thing and make this angel an Agan. I felt God, not a single doubt in my mind, place adoption on my heart in 2003 as I sat on the floor of a hut in Uganda playing with a precious little boy, so full of love and joy. I remembered being so struck with the joy these kids were able to maintain in spite of their circumstances. I left Uganda and knew I would be returning to Africa one day to make one of these precious children my own. And although Uganda turned into Ethiopia, here we are: Twelve years, one husband, and two kids later watching God finish what he began in my little teenage heart. 

It's been a joy and a challenge and it's been so painful I have felt like I could just curl up and hide at times. We've been pushed and stretched in every way a person can be pushed and stretched. And she's not even home yet! But we've grown closer to God, wrestled with who He is and what it looks like to try to love like He does. We've felt hopeless and hopeful. Joyful and full of sadness. Excited and anxious. Worn out and energized. Adoption is a roller coaster that's for sure! 

But we are nearing the end of the wait and almost to the beginning of the real journey. Bring it on. I know adoption is hard. I know we won't sleep, won't understand, and will wanna run away and let someone else be the parents for a day or two or three. I had new born twins. I hope I don't scare easy anymore! Only time will tell. But what I do know is that she will be ours. So really that's all that matters. She will be OURS!! Easy or hard. We will love this little girl forever. 

So please pray with us that my phone rings sometime in early July and we hear the words that it's time to go meet our girl!! 

Love,

The mommy to almost THREE little Angels! 

The girls are pumped too. Well, not really. They keep asking if she will take their chocolate milk and pancakes. And when I ask if she can come live with us they say "no baby jane live at her own house!" I'm also not totally sure if they get that she's more than a picture on the wall! Oh two year olds! Buuuuut I have high hopes for all three of my sweet peas and have no doubt this little duo was always meant   to be a trio! ❤️

Holy waiting misery

So friends here is the deal! We need need need need to get a preliminary date scheduled in Ethiopia. You don't even need to know what that is, but if you could pray that the Lord puts the right papers into the right hands THIS dadgum week I'd be ever so thankful. I am doing my best to endure the wait and am aware that all I can do is pray. So pray I will. But will you as well?

Pray that schedules align, papers get signed and work is done efficiently. 

Please help me pray boldly that we get a preliminary hearing scheduled THIS week!!! This must happen before we can get a court date to travel and get our little one. And a whole whole lot has to happen before August in order for us to travel before the courts close for the summer for rainy season. 

Ok?

Thanks friends! Also if you would comment either on my blog or on Facebook and let me know you prayed it would mean the world to me!! Or a personal message if you are more comfortable. Or not too. Id love to know who our prayer warriors are though!! I am hoping to share all the big things God can do through prayer! 

Love,

A true nutcase at this point 

And because it's so cute! Daddy had the girls alone this weekend and sent this. Love those chubs! 

A smile!!

So since February 13th when we first saw our little angel for the first time, I have been in love! However, I've also had a heavy heart because in every single picture she looks so sad. Really a combination of sad mixed with super ticked off. 

Try seeing pictures of your child, thousands of miles away, crying and sad and being able to do nothing about it. It's not awesome. 

I kind of came to dread the updates because, as much as I loved seeing her grow up and seeing pictures of her sweet face, and gigantic beautiful brown eyes, her face was not happy. And really, I can't quite blame her. As much as I know everything that can be done is being done for her, the truth remains that she lives in an orphanage, an institution. She doesn't have a family to love on her everyday.  

But all that changed Monday. An angel of a friend a bit ahead of us in the process went to Jane's orphanage to meet her own son for the first time. And the result was lots and lots of pictures of a darling, happy little girl perched up on a little ledge with the cutest little smile on her face. She also gave us an actual update on her aside from just weight and height. 

She told us about her temperament and that she was able to stand but wanted to crawl. She even gave us little details like, "they tried to put socks on her and she pulled them right off!" And "she loved to chew on her toys and feed herself yogurt melts." Its the little things in adoption when you are desperate for any tiny morsal of information! I was literally hanging on her every word. 

Obviously I immediately edited the pictures and printed them and then stayed up until 2am rearranging all the decorations in my living room to start a picture wall of our new and improved family. Obviously. 

So until we get that call and hear the wonderful words "so do you want to go to Africa and meet your daughter!?" I will hang onto every last detail of the face of that smiling baby girl. I'll stay up way after the rest of the family is asleep to stare into the playroom and imagine a third little toddler playing and giggling. A third baby girls face popping around the hallway into the living room when she hears Daniel tiger come on and a third messy maniac at the breakfast table. And until we get that amazing call I will pray hard that lots and lots of smiles and hugs happen in her little life while we are apart. 

We love you little Jane Jordan!

2am and pulling very large items off the walls and mapping my plan with computer paper. Lance has joked that since the adoption every morning is a surprise when he walks out of the bedroom. 

Another project that I must admit is not going well. This Annie Sloan chalk paint is not covering this wood well. It's getting quite pricey and taking me FOREVER! But I think I'm getting close! 

Who knows what else will be new if this takes much longer. Next week I'm making table cloths into curtains for the family room. Then I will stop. I think. 

This is us after getting the photos!! Yippee sissy is smiling!! 

Please pray we get that call and are hugging this sweetie by July!!!