I must confess....

Would anyone judge me if I admitted on my blog that I was stressed? I hope not, because the reality of my "right now" is that I am stressed. I'm totally not looking for pity, or help or anything like that. It's just nice sometimes to be real and come out and say it, "sometimes life can just be downright stressful". 

I am a fixer. I think most moms are. I like things the way I like them, and if they aren't the way I like it I fix them. I feel like as a mom it's a day in and day out cycle of fixing messes and putting things in order just for them to get out of order and need to be put back again and I love it. I absolutely love the day in and day out insanity, I really do! But Nora and her allergy and skin issues have thrown me for a loop. I was given a diagnosis in the form of a long list of allergies, I researched what and how she could eat and put a plan in place, made a budget and was ready to conquer food allergies. And in a way we did. Nora is 100% happier than I have seen her in months. She truly is. She will go entire days now without as much as a wimper until it's bedtime and her sweet little face is flawless! But as far as her body goes I still can't "fix" her. She still scratches all day. I still have to put her in socks and long pants so that she's not re opening old scabs and bleeding. Car rides make me cringe as I can hear her just clawing away at her sweet little legs, and she still wakes up some mornings with the back of her head bleeding from scratching. Just today I went to cut her nails and realized they were just full of blood. It's just starting to totally unnerve me as to how to help this stop. We are on antihistamines, creams, the worlds most healthy, organic, vegan, paleo, I don't even know what to call it diet around here and yet she still scratches and scratches. We've switched detergents and soaps and have tried about a zillion lotions. We have bathed once a week when that's what we were told, bathed daily when that's what we were told. We started whole milk when we realized she was allergic to her formula and stopped milk and switched to coconut when that's was what we thought may be best (even though she is allergic to coconut...long story). We've now talked with our pediatrician, two allergists and are set to see a homeopathic doctor in July. I'm sure I am overreacting some and just need to step away for a minute and take a deep breath, but I'm so fed up with eczema I could scream. And not because it's wearing me out, but because I almost feel like I can feel her pain. I get anxious just watching her all day, wanting so bad to help her! 

I know it could be worse. I really do. I see "worse" every Monday when I walk into my office. This is a minor problem. We are very very lucky. But, I just needed to vent and say that today I am stressed. One day we will figure it out. One day I won't have to watch my sweet baby girl scratch her skin off, but unfortunately that day isn't going to be today or tomorrow and I just need to pray for wisdom. So here's to God answering that prayer and me waking up a very wise, refreshed mommy tomorrow! 

Her sweet face has been perfect, smooth and so clear since we removed her allergens, mainly wheat & soy. She used to go weeks at a time with a rash around her mouth and since the day after we cut out these allergens she has had this perfect little skin on her perfect little face. 

ONE whole year old!

Ok babes....here is your, a little late, 12 month post. 

Zoe: You are the sweetest little creature ever created. Really, you are just too much! You have such a pleasant demeanor about you and just love life. You love to play & explore and snuggle. You LOVE your family, and in particular have taken a serious liking to your Aunt. I am going to pretend that you don't reach out for her and call her mama daily. Its a bit odd....but at times I kind of wonder if you think you have two mommies who look a whole lot alike! You have finally moved on from your crazy separation anxiety phase and it's so much fun to see you exploring your world. You love to "go". You get bored at home and jump to your feet and sprint to the door when I pick up the keys. You like to go anywhere. You love getting in your car seat and anytime someone comes in and leaves and gets in their car without you, you get a little sad for a minute and look at me like, "Wait, aren't we going too"? You love to wave at anyone and everyone and love to chase behind other big kids and try to keep up. You love playing with your cousin who is 6 months older than you. Its so cute to watch you follow behind and try so hard to keep up. You have become a climber, but don't have the coordination, balance or awareness to be such. You have been known to crawl on top of a picnic table and then just fall off. Like, fall straight back as if some magical force is going to catch you. While on that topic, I must say you have made some amazing strides this month in "threshold awareness"! Up until recently you would just walk straight out the front door or over a ledge with NO awareness of the drop. And you are fast so it was hard to catch you before the crash. But now you are such a big girl and navigate your world so efficiently! You love to stack your little blocks and knock them back down. You love to pretend play with your cell phone, hair brush, and tea cups. You now pretend drink your "tea" and then waddle over to give me a "sip". It's pretty cute. You say "mama", "dada", "uh-oh", "bye", "Hi" (but only on your phone), "eyes", "baby", "thank you", "mimi" (kinda), "Nor-Nor" (that one MELTS my heart!), and "up". However, you don't talk, as in using actual words all that much, but you are on the verge of some serious imitation, I can see it coming! You're a good sleeper, but are in a tricky nap transition right now. You wanna nap late in the morning, but still want an afternoon nap as well but won't fall asleep until 3:30 or so and then sleep late and go to bed LATE! We are trying to tweak this nap behavior b/c as much as we love you, we love to see you retire to your little room well before 9:30pm! You have been battling ear infections since you were six months old. We have been told we are one short of tubes. I actually think you have one now, we go in in the morning to see. So I suppose that will be an interesting appointment. But I am ready to stop putting your poor little body on so many antibiotics! You are a good eater, but have kind of become a grazer. It's kind of hard to really know whats normal for eating because the only person I have to compare you too is a bottomless pit that eats more than me....aka Nora, But I think you are an ok eater. You love all things carbs and if really hungry will eat the healthy stuff. We have cut out all processed food in our house and you have done well with the transition. I guess finding out your sister was allergic to lots of stuff at such a young age was better than if y'all were older! But I do sneak you the occasional cookie or bagel when Nora is sleeping or occupied! Zoe, your little passion for life and the people you love is such a joy to watch. I cannot wait to see the plans God has for you. You are a mountain moving type of girl and we are honored to be here to watch you grow and turn into the person God intended you to be! Happy FIRST birthday Zoester! 

Nora: You are a new woman! Now that we have figured out what was bugging you, you are a cheerful, funny, silly, sweet, little girl. You are definitely not a social butterfly and are much more of an observer. You have been known to cautiously watch people for an hour before deciding they are worthy of even a smile! You love your family, but if it's not someone you see often you struggle. You love love love to laugh and play games that involve us throwing you in the air or spinning you. You also love hide and seek and your current favorite game is hiding behind our curtains and popping out. You think it is hilarious. You are a good little sleeper, and even though you often give us a little drama at bedtime, you seem to actually sleep longer than Zoe now. I truly never thought I would type that sentence. I was sure you were destined to stay up at night until you left for college! Your skin care and allergies have kind of turned into what seems like a full time job. I didn't realize how unnerving it would be to send you out into the world or even take you to the zoo or playgroups, with our new knowledge of your allergies. It was a much simpler time when we were in the dark, but I am SO thankful we had you tested because I was literally about to give you a peanut butter sandwich and I'm sure it was only a matter of time before you got your hands on some almonds as I eat them constantly! My biggest struggle with feeding you now believe it or not, is that you can't have bread. And even if we find a wheat substitute, they all have egg. I will pay someone big bucks to locate a soy/egg/wheat free bread. For now, I have been making gluten free pancakes for you with egg substitutes and then making grilled cheese or whatever with it. I told your daddy that you get a McGriddle almost every day. Lucky! :) You are such a good eater. Your daddy and I stare at you in amazement at the amount of food you put away daily. And you are probably the healthiest baby around. You love cheese, avocado, broccoli, kale, chicken, beef, turkey, tuna, salmon and beans! You literally eat adult size portions at meals and usually polish off your sisters left overs. Its hilarious to watch. You hate sweets, which is good since you can't have them, and literally start jumping for joy when I give you leafy greens. You can say, "mama", "dada", "bye", "eyes", "uh-oh" (but you only say 'uh'), "block" and "baby". However, like your sis we don't hear all that much "talking". You do babble a ton and it's cute to see how your sweet little voice is gonna sound! You are such a fat little chunk and a total little priss pot! You love to shake your booty to a beat and walk around taking the smallest little steps with your little hands at your waist. It's very cute!! You love for us to chase you and squeal and run away. You both run now which is funny! You are trill taking two naps most days, however can totally hang with a one nap day and then go down for bed so easily. Your sister is SO not there, and I am accepting the fact that we are probably about to embark on a season of naps not coordinating. You have been waking up around 8:15am and your sister around 6:15am. Sigh! But I am learning to roll with the punches as a twin mom. "Learning" being key word! Nora we love you SO much and are so thankful for you. You have so much joy and are such a smart, inquisitive little thing. You are going to make a difference in this world and it will be a better place because you are in it! We pray we can keep you healthy and safe and that you know how loved you are by us and the one who made you!! 

So life with one year olds is actually much easier than life with infants. We are SO enjoying this, dare I say it, "toddler phase". However, now that we aren't eating any processed food and can't eat wheat, soy, egg, peanuts, tree nuts, peas, and a few other non issue foods, I do feel very busy! Before we were enlightened to Nora's allergies I was popping waffles in the microwave lots of mornings or just toasting bagels. I was buying yogurt that I knew was healthy"ish" but not reading labels like a detective. If the girls got fussy and needed a snack I would toss some some Cheerios on their trays and enjoy a break. But Now I kind of feel like I am in the kitchen constantly these days. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner now every day. We make all pancakes and waffles from scratch and substitute eggs in all that stuff lots of mornings. There are very limited brands we can even buy to use as the base or mix and I am learning to make these interesting foods yummy. We do lots of ground sausage for breakfast and white turkey meat and basic meat and veggies most of the time so it's really not bad at all unless we are wanting a carb type food. I have been on the phone with most meat distributors and am starting to get a good solid list of clean meats. Side note, I have learned so much and have become TOTALLY 100% disgusted with the food industry and I mean really disgusted! They are hiding so much nasty junk in our foods in order to let it sit on a shelf and stay "fresh" and in order to produce it cheap. I've learned that soybean oil is pumped into most all of our food and I'm talking from breads, to yogurt, to cheese to deli meat. It's gross. No wonder my child with a severe soy allergy was breaking out in a rash from eating a yogurt and we just assumed she was allergic to milk. I've also learned that companies produce very pure healthy "infant" yogurts and products, I'm talking about you YoBaby, and then once it's a toddler version sell it for the same price, but diminish the nutritional content like you would not believe. It's no longer yogurt but a bunch of filler junk that's cheap and easily preserved with a side of actual yogurt. They win you over with the good stuff and once you trust them switch it up. I suppose once your kid is one it's time to start getting them used to the crappy, processed food and to top it off us moms don't even know we are doing it. If you can't tell, it's really annoying to me. Ok sorry tangent, all that to say our new way of eating is keeping me busy but surprisingly it's cheaper because we are embracing it as a family, all eating the same stuff, and not eating out much and I know we will all be better for it!! 

But we are really enjoying the girls like I said! They love to go out, love to play, love new adventures and really just love life! We are really blessed!

Happy one year little munchkins! Can't wait for another fun year ahead!!

These have all been posted on Facebook but here are a few recent shots. Their favorite activity is the grocery store! They point to everything and gasp....like "wow look at all this cool yummy stuff!" Party pics up next! 

Finally some answers.

I'm really behind on blogging! We have been so busy with camping & birthdays and tons of fun stuff I will blog about soon I promise. But our biggest parenting challenge has just been dealt us in the form of serious food allergies for Nora and it's kinda been consuming us for the past few days.

After lots of testing we have found out that she is allergic to wheat, soy, coconut, egg whites, peanuts, peas, lentils, walnuts & almonds. And about half of those a very severe....some nearly a 6 on a 6 point scale. We are wrapping our minds around a new way of cooking, but more just trying to figure out how to make sure she is always safe and healthy while not totally freaking out and jumping to the worst case scenario, because when you have a doctor use the words "potentially fatal outcome" you get a little stopped in your tracks and kinda want to throw up! 

So please pray for us a we learn how to cook wheat/egg/soy/nut free at the Agan household. And for me as I try to learn how to be "that mom" who has to check everyone's food, call ahead at restraunts and have a running list of meat distributors that don't pump their meat full of soy. I never thought I would actually ever call that little number on the back of a frozen chicken or leave a detailed message with boars head. But yes, that is now me. So sorry, but if you can't part with your peanut butter sandwich or trail mix, or honey nut Cheerios we can't be your friend anymore. Not really.....well kinda! ;)

Wish us luck & say a quick prayer of protection over our sweet little Nora Beth! I'm hopeful that as stressful as this all is, that she will be on a quick road to healing and can finally stop itching and batteling rashes for the first time in her little life!! 

We love you Noten Porten! You are worth every bit of all this! And Daddy and I decided we will just go on date nights and eat as many breakfast tacos as possible and Reece's peanut butter cups as we can before we get home! So no worries! 

Late 11 month post

I'm a bit late but must document 11 months before the big 1-0!

We have seen lots of change this month and seem to be in somewhat of a transition with naps and eating and lots of stuff. They are transforming into toddlers right before my eyes!

Zoe:

You are only walking now. No more crawling for you. You are such a smart little girl and are starting to follow directions like "come here", "stand up", "point to the light", "point to my eyes", "up", "all done?", "give me a kiss" and "no". You just started initiating peek a boo and when we say "where's Zoe"? You always find something to hide behind or you just cover your face. You love dancing and clapping and babbling. You have the cutest giggle and are just such a happy camper. You continue to be LOUD when you cry or are super excited. You say, "mama", "dada" and that's pretty much it and even those you don't seem to say much. You will randomly imitate some things, but you don't say to much in the way of "real" words.  You are content for now with just babbling jibberish all day. You are a tall, chunk and such a good eater! You eat just about anything we set in front of you. You are an easy baby. Like, really easy. We love you little Zoester!

Nora:

You started walking this month and your little walk is hilarious! You walk forward for a few steps and then always seem to turn sideways and kinda shuffle towards your end point. You have said a few more real words than your sister. We have heard "eyes" "bye" "up" "mama" and "dada". You have been cutting some horrid, monster teeth the past few weeks and haven't been your chipper, sweet little self. You are generally pretty annoyed with life lately, but I can tell you are trying your best to be sweet! You LOVE (like obsessed level) fan strings, clocks and light switches. You get out of bed every morning and the second I pick you up you start reaching for the light switch on the wall to flip on and off. I always feel like the light would bother you after 12 hours of darkness but you don't seem to care. You are sleeping like a champ. Yep, it took 11 months. Whew...thank goodness little Nora! You are such a good eater, a little piglet really. You love fruits, veggies, meat, you name it! We love you little Nor Nor!!

Your schedule is a bit "lax" these days. You get up between 6:45-7:45, go down for your morning nap between 9:30-10:30 and then again in the afternoon between 2-3pm. You guys keep me on my toes with wake up times and I think that you are possibly getting woken up early on weekdays by the neighbors dog. It's all I can conclude since you will spring awake at the exact same time, about an hour early in separate rooms! I have been trying my best to figure y'all out so I can beat you to the punch and have some time to myself in the mornings. BUT this week at least, you kept me guessing.

You still take 3-4 bottles a day. We do a wake up bottle, a little before morning nap bottle, before afternoon nap bottle, and a bedtime bottle. You are usually taking one good nap and one shorter nap these days. We have even had a couple one nap days and you both did shockingly well. You eat a good size breakfast, lunch and dinner now and sleep great! Well, maybe not considered great to some BUT great for y'all! 

Girls we love love love you. PLEASE stay little forever! Please please please!!!

Love,

Mommy 

Sneak peak from our one year shoot! 

It was supposed to be an 11 month post!

The nostalgia is in full force around here people! I didn't even realize the girls were 11 months old until half way through the day Saturday! Possibly, because my mind can't quite wrap around the fact that they are almost 1! What the heck!? It doesn't seem possible. I have kind of been floating through this weekend remembering little flashes of foggy, overly tired, AMAZING memories. I was rocking Zoe tonight in her room, remembering when the girls shared a room (before "no-sleep-Nora" was kindly relocated) and Lance and I would swaddle the girls like little burritos and one of us would give a bottle in the glider and one on the ottoman and we would be rocking rocking rocking, bumping into each other and muffling laughter (or delirium) until the girls fell asleep and then we put them each into their little rock n play beds in the middle of the room. Or, sitting on this couch right now blogging, I am looking across the room and remembering the countless nights that I nursed the girls in the wee hours and Lance would lay sleeping on the love seat waiting for his cue to burp and return a baby. We would then change diapers, swaddle, get them back down and high five on the way back to bed if we got it all done in under an hour or try to hold back tears of frustration and exhaustion if we were still trying to get babies back sleeping 2 hours later, knowing a new feeding was just around the corner! Or, looking at my breakfast room FULL to the brim right with toys, I can remember back to when it was all neat and tidy and just had a changing table in it because the girls were too tiny to make any kind of mess. Now they get up and hit the ground running...walking and climbing and DUMPING everything in sight.

Every corner of this house now holds a memory of them. It's like they have been here forever. It was a happy house before, but now it's broken in. It's messy and cluttered and sometimes I think the broom and vacuum should just become extra limbs because I am using them constantly. But the overall feel of this place is just different because of them, and different for the better. I'm trying to think of a word to describe it. I think it's just "warmer" around here now. It's just a family home every where you look and it makes my heart happy to the point of bursting, I'm not kidding you!

I was tired when they were tiny because I never slept and now I am a new kind of tired. The kind of tired that comes from chasing babies all day, keeping them out of the cabinets, pulling them off of boxes and playing referee all day as toys are yanked from each other and fits are thrown frequently! Cutting uncountable numbers of grapes and steaming veggies, and cooking dinner with babies pulling so hard on my pants that sometimes they pull them off! And the height of my exhaustion really comes from trying to clean up after them. Just this past week I had been out with them all morning at the park and when we got back they were kind of in melt down mode and were just acting nuts! They were throwing spinach and rice on the floor and then walking around the house with rice stuck to the bottom of their feet, spreading sticky streaks everywhere. They had opened up the video cabinet and pulled out every DVD and done the same with the blanket, Tupperware, and cutting board cabinets. Usually, I would at least attempt to clean up after them but on this particular day I truly did not have it in me and just sat with a glass of water and watched them destroy! Well, while I was rocking Nora for her nap my mom walked in and said she just laughed and then stood there wanting to help but literally not knowing where to start. The funny thing is I was sitting with Nora asleep in my arms, paralyzed in that glider because I knew what was waiting for me in the next room!  Which is really funny since I am reminiscing, because before the girls were born I thought my house was just filthy if the baseboards weren't dusted....no not even not dusted, but not scrubbed down with Windex THEN dusted. Ha!

All that to say, things are always crazy but I love it. Lance and I are used to our new routine of never stopping unless we are sleeping. I still get overwhelmed when I feel like I have lots of "life" to do because apparently life and responsibility still go on after kids. ;) It's still hard for me at times to get little tasks done like laundry or bills or manage to wash my hair on Monday & Wednesday evening for work. I have yet to master effortlessly running up to the post office or getting a meal to every new mom, but I am getting better! It is getting so much easier!

I am needed by my girls, and my husband everyday. Literally, someone always needs me these days and for that I am so thankful. I know there will be a phase in my life where no one needs me. I won't have multiple little (and big) lives depending on me. My heart is so full. All day today I have been thinking of the verse;

Psalm 113:9 He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

It was the kind of day when I had to pray myself out of bed because I was up reading until 2am (not smart) and then Zoe got up for the day at 5:30! I asked God for joy and it was one of the most joyful days we have ever had together! Have I mentioned if you pray daily for the strength that you need to make it to bedtime it WILL come & if you forget to ask God to help you through the day you will still make it but possibly minus the joy! :) 

Anyway, I have rambled on and on and totally forgot to talk about the girls 11 months. And it is time for bed so I guess the 11 month post will come later! In my mind this is around the age we will be getting our little Jane so I am hoping to be good about posting our daily schedules from now on because I know I will want to look back! 

Okay, Happy Monday!

Almost one year since I kissed those sticky, precious little faces!! :)

Look at them now!!

You are 10 months old.

(wrote this a while ago and forgot to finish and post it)

Little girls, you are TEN months old. Your tiny baby selves are almost completely gone at this point. You both still let me rock you at night and still enjoy cuddling during the day, mostly Nora, but the days of having tiny little babes are pretty much gone.

However, your new found big girl selves are pretty cute too! I can just really see those wheels turning and know that you are both just about to explode with new skills. I love to see you learn and grow, but have officially hit the phase of wanting to freeze time and make it stop. It's starting to fly by so fast and it's bittersweet.

Zoe: You are walking! Just a few days ago it became your preferred mode of transportation! You are still such a good little sleeper and eater. You are such a lover and give out kisses all day long. When I get you out of bed you look up at me, come in for a kiss, then lay your head on my shoulder. I really can't think of anything sweeter on this earth!! You love to talk and crawl around just babbling nonsense all day. Every now and then we will be talking to you or singing to you and you will imitate a word as clear as day. Then of course, we will try and try to get you to do it again and you won't. You say "mama" to me and "bada" to daddy. However, lots of days you just refer to me as "mommm". You are beginning to socialize better with others. You will smile and wave to people at the grocery store now as opposed to hiding in Nora's chest and crying. When we are in a new place, you still cling onto me for dear life and hide your head in my chest for the first half hour or so, but after that you will get down and play with other people and kids! I am so proud of you for this! Just last night we were at your cousins birthday party and you sat on the floor amidst a sea of crazy children unwrapping gifts and joined in the action, smiling and laughing with the kids. It almost made me tear up to see you getting so big and confident! Zoe Rose we love you and you add so much joy to our lives!

Nora: You are now a fast little crawler, and just started standing up on your own. You think it is the most fun game in the world to stand up and then crash onto my lap or a pillow. You continue to be a 100% spaz! The faster, or sillier, or higher the better for you. You love to squeal out in delight and love to scream (in delight). You had continued to get better with sleep, going 12 hours straight at night, until recently. You got really sick and now are back to your old ways. We are not thrilled about it little Miss! You have been standing up in your crib and just screaming "mamamama" until I finally give in and come in. I always come in to find no tears, and no issue I can see. Once you see me the screaming and "crying" is done  and you just smile and wave at me! Yes, you are a persistent one. You have definitely started with the whole separation anxiety thing. But I am counting my blessings that it didn't 100% overlap with Zoe, because that would have been tough. You love to play with your toys and love to see how things work. When we are in a new place you are SO interested in the things around you and are such an observer. You love to sit in my lap and read books or play with your ring toys. You love toys that you "get" and will do the same thing over and over and over. You continue to have such a sweet nature, but are also getting more vocal and dramatic when things don't go your way. I have accepted that neither you or your sister are laid back, but you are beyond sweet so it makes up for it! You have 6 teeth! When you smile up at me, I have to chuckle at the mouth full of big teeth I see! You sister still only has three but I think she will catch up soon. You only say "mama" consistently but the words we have heard from you are "bye" "baby" "dada" and most recently "eysh" aka eyes. You love to stick your finger right into my eyeball and say "eysh"! Nora Beth, we love your funny, hyper little self more than you will every know!

I know I need to save the sentimental stuff for your birthday. However, I can't help but start to reflect on all that has happened this past year, beginning with finding out we were pregnant with you! Having twins was not in our "plan". We were adopting a little girl, ONE, little girl from Ethiopia and that was how we were going to begin our family. But God knew better, and knew that we would in fact have THREE little girls beginning with the two of you! As I look back on this year, it has just been all about you. My "old" life of getting up every day and being a full time therapist, and then pretty much just doing whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, ended rather abruptly after going to a regular doctors appointment and coming home on bed rest! I never went back to work full time, my social life looks different and I have spent most of my time just learning how to be a mommy two both of you. I feel honored and so thankful that I have this new "job"! I'm glad you guys are a little more mobile these days and that we have been able to re-enter society with a little more ease, but I wouldn't trade one second of our time together and will always cherish our days together at home! We love you so much girls!!

Snapshot

Here is a snapshot of my days with our little cuties. A 10 month post coming soon, but right now I'm a little too tired! :) 

Girls "kinda" learning how to roll the ball to each other

My little no nappers this day were only wanting to be held....time to get creative! 

Selfie of three big head girls! 

Just playing together....it's so awesome when they take a few minutes and play together! 

Te

My little walker girl! She still prefers to crawl but when she hops up its so cute!

Smile girls :) 

Race time. When I start to leave a room it's not uncommon for them to literally start speed crawling, trying to "out-crawl" the other one to get to me. It's pretty amusing! 

Nora and her very best friend the Lamb 

Nora posing in her new clothes while sissy sleeps. Nora is still not such a huge fan of predictable sleep! 

The girls finally home tonight after a busy day! They partied hard all day and stayed up way past bedtime. But they were all smiles! 

As you can see these little girlies are getting BIG! So full of life, and fun and personality! We are almost to 1 year!! So hard to believe!