Yes I watch this!

I love this show! No judging until you watch it for yourself. Never thought of myself as a zombie loving girl. I mean, I rarely read a book if it doesn't hold some type of value and my radio hasn't been switched from the local christian station since 2008. Not saying I am perfect or anything at all, but this is not typically my kind of show. Or so I thought! I guess this is my entertainment weakness! hehe

Season finale is next week and our Zombie watching party that has been together from the beginning will get together one last night to see how it all ends up for the season! Can't wait! Do other people watch this show too? Or is it just my family (and few awesome friends)!?

You are on the right path

I am going to be honest here. I have had a HARD 2 months! I will spare you all from too many details b/c I don't want my blog to be depressing and this story, which is still unfolding, has a happy ending. But in a nutshell, here it is.

Most people know I have felt a specific calling from the Lord for almost 10 years now to adopt and specifically to adopt from Africa. This was never a question of "if" but"when". Lance and I struggled and struggled over whether or not to have children biologically first or adopt first. We decided that we would try to have a baby first and tried for 3 months. It was then that we both felt strongly that it was time to start the adoption process. I never doubted for one second, and still haven't, that this was the right time for us to adopt. However, I was fairly certain that the very near future was going to reveal a pregnancy too. So certain in fact, that I picked out our babies bedding the first month we started really trying. I was optimistic.

Fast forward several months and no pregnancy. Infertility is really hard. The world we live in with Facebook and the constant connection with others lives is hard. It is way to easy to fall into the pit of envy when everyone else seems to have a perfect life filled with children, weekly play dates and stay at home mommy hood.

I can't pinpoint when it happened, but I let this get to me! So much in fact that Lance and I (me kinda forcing Lance-never good) started seeing a fertility doctor and discussing ways to "get pregnant now!!" I have endometriosis and it can grow back. I would be insane not to do everything in my power to get pregnant before that happens right!?

So, I began injections and had a pretty ideal cycle. I went in the day before we were scheduled to do the procedure and my doctor said, "Things look great. So great in fact that I would place you at a 50% chance of having twins if this works and a 3-5% chance of triplets." I thanked him, calmly walked out of his office and burst into tears in the elevator. I knew right then and there that I wasn't supposed to go through with it. The Lord set me on a path to bring home a child from Africa and having twins or heaven forbid triplets at home to greet her was not part of HIS plan. I felt comfort in knowing the sovereignty of God, but mourned the loss of a biological child.

This was a hard road for me for a while. I admitted to a friend that adoption was so easy when it wasn't paired with fertility issues. I found so much joy in this adoption before I started envying the lives of those around me and loosing site of the end goal here.

My soul was not at peace. I was losing my joy and was doubting God. I was in a place that I never want to be again. I was not seeking HIS will for my life. I was seeking MY will. I was irrational and had decided that I was going to be infertile and unhappy forever. I had even convinced myself that my friends would all eventually reject me because I did not have a biological child. So dramatic I know!

So here we were. Possible 6 months away from seeing our babies face for the first time and I was SO conflicted. SO stressed and SO sad. I could not find my peace which is something I cling to and need to survive. But I learned something so valuable here and that is that there IS NO PEACE when you are acting outside God's will for your life.

In a pretty broken place I begged God to restore my joy and restore my peace. That's when I heard it. WAIT. NOT NOW. LATER.

So we have decided to wait on having a biological child. God has told us NOT NOW. So we will wait. WHAT AMAZING PEACE this has given me!! Gods peace literally washed over me and He has restored my joy!!!

I went into my fertility doctor and told him I wanted to discuss types of birth control and was actually in the process of adopting a child from Africa. He looked at my like I was a freak alien from Mars. It was actually a little funny!

So we are soley focused on preparing to be the best parents we can be to our little Jane Jordan and have taken the burden of biological children away for the time being. I told my mom just the other day that I can clearly see Jane coming up to the hospital one day to meet her new little sister or brother. I believe that is in our future. But I also believe Jane was meant to be chosen. To be first.

I read this in my Jesus calling today:
" You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone. Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, anymore than you can comprehend My dealings with others. I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment. As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow Me."

I know this is long and I am honestly just writing this blog as an outlet for myself and a way to look back at life while we wait for Jane. But of course I do pray that I can be an encouragement to others too and hope my blog can do that in some way.

Oh and I forgot. WE ARE NOW #35!!!!!!!!!!!!

36!!!!!

We received the the long awaited email with our wait list number today. We have been hearing horror stories about Ethiopia, like people being put on lists at #115 or people waiting for 10 months and then only being at #60. I was content that whatever number we were given was meant to be, but I really wanted to see double digits!

Lance and I were at lunch and I had my phone laying on the table next to me. I saw that I had an email and opened it to see it titled "Agan updated wait list". I jumped and then was almost afraid to open it! I knew my heart would either sink or I would be really happy!

So, I opened it and and yelled out THIRTY SIX!! Most everyone sitting around me turned and stared at me. I then loudly read the entire email verbatim to Lance and then more people were staring at me hehe!

I was thinking today that once we get our baby home, that means that 35 other babies have gone home to their new families ahead of us. It makes me SO happy that so many children are becoming part of a family!

I am also counting my blessings that God chose to give us a relatively low number. Things can still happen to slow us down, and in adoption its not a matter of "if" but"when", but we are going to enjoy today and this big step forward! We were told 6-8 months to be matched now so I am praying hard for us to have her picture by summer. Then the real fun can begin! :)

People keep saying to me, "it's like you are pregnant" and until now I just couldn't go there because things were so unknown! But now I am there. It is like I'm pregnant! Whoo hoo!!

Thankful

Lance and I attended a workshop today about adoption. What else! Hehe

I don't have time to write much but I had to acknowledge this. The focus of a lot of the sessions today were how our pasts and the examples that were set from our parents strongly relate to our ability to nurture and relate to our own kids. There was an entire hour session about healing pasts hurts in order to be emotionally available to your child. We explored all the styles of parenting (e.g., authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and negligent). Story after story was shared about how hard it is to be a strong authority for your child, while permitting them to have a voice. They discussed the need for structure and nurture to be hand in hand and the problems that can arise when a parent was never given a good example because there parents were either totally permissive of totally the strong authoritarian.

I would like to think I will be the "ideal" style that will promote a sense of confidence and safety for my child. Who really knows. But I do know that I learned from the very very best and am so thankful for the foundation I was given. My parents and Lance's parents are playing more of a role than they know in our children's lives!!

Thanks mom and dad for being such a wonderful example of how to parent in love and kindness!!

Happy Valentines little baby that we love!! :)

Happy Valentine's day little Jane! We just got an email that our paperwork has finally arrived in your country. We are waiting for an email later this week to see where we fall on the waiting list. We hope the number is small, we are so ready to come pick you up! I am praying for a number in the 30's. (Please feel free readers to pray that prayer with me!)

If you have been born we pray that someone is loving on you, hugging you, and cuddling with you. I hope someone rocks you to sleep tonight and kisses your cute little face! 

However, if no one is physically loving on you right now, know that your mommy and daddy will cuddle you every hour of the day if we need to once you get home!

Until then, will pray that you feel the love and protection of Jesus who created perfect little you! And we know he will never leave your side! 

We hope that you are home with us by this time next year. Mommy will dress you up from head to toe in pink and red and let you eat as much candy as you want! 

Ok little love bug, thats all for now! Even though we have never met you, we miss you more than you know!

Love you little Jane Jordan! 

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Waiting

I read this on a friends blog today:

"When you decided to wait for the best, did you think that waiting would be fun? Did you think that your faith would not be tested? When you decided to take the narrow path, did no one warn you that difficulties, hardship, and tears would be part of the journey, and that you would often face rejection from others and be forced to walk alone? My daughter, that which you wait for the longest you treasure the most, and through much struggle the prize is won." — Sarah Mally (Before You Meet Prince Charming: A Guide to Radiant Purity)

I read this today and although I know this is a passage aimed at addressing waiting for a "mate" it really spoke to me about our wait for our Jane. It gently reminded me that we did choose this road, well we chose go follow Gods will, and we will treasure her more than anything once she is in our arms.

On that note, let me assure you that I DO not have it all together in this wait! I had a wise friend tell me that once you start the adoption process Satan tries to attack you constantly. My naive self took the advice but left thinking "I am a pretty together person who is definitely not at risk of Satan attacking me. That is a fear that people with weak faith need to fear". Let me tell you my friends, the second you start thinking that you may as well throw a party and invite Satan as the guest of honor! Seriously.

There has been some definite spiritual warfare around here lately but we are on the other end now and I am honestly kind of glad my faith was put to the test. I did NOT rise to the occasion. Not at all. It was a good wake up call for me! :)

Sometimes I wonder what is going on in Africa when we seem to be having a hard time here. I wonder if our little Jane was born or if her mom just decided she couldn't care for her. I often wonder if Satan sees the nearness of one of "the least of these" finding a home and a family and tries to pull out all the stops to keep her from coming home.

Who knows. But one day I sure do have a lot of questions for God. On a funny note, every black little girl that walks into my office now may as well be our Jane Jordan. I just stare at their beautiful little brown skin and big eyes and want to squeeze them. I don't of course. Well, maybe I do. Hehe

Ok, happy Thursday. I am so glad to be wrapping up this work week and definitely like my new job! :)

Work puppy

Today was my first day of work at my new clinic. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard to transition back into 10 hour work days after my 3 week "sabbatical", as Lance was calling it. But I think I am going to love my new job! First of all, the place is SO clean!! That is probably more important to me than my salary hehe! Everyone is great and it is a tiny company. We have 5 SLPs. Today I was sitting on the floor and this tiny puppy jumped into my lap. In was so confused but was then told we have a therapy puppy for speech! So, me and little Harley will get to become buddies!

Not the worlds biggest animal fan, but I think this puppy may be an exception!

Happy Monday!

Ps. I have no idea why the pic is so giant.