Part two :)

Drive home. So sleepy. Girls dancing in matching jammies. Lots of giggling and laughing. Sena seems right where she needs to be. Hard to recall the night. Sena up for the day at 3am. Lance makes her eggs. Her love language is eggs. Back to "bed" for Sena at about 8am. Then the two year olds arise. This goes on for weeks and weeks. Tired doesn't begin to describe it. Sena doesn't know what it means to be rocked. Not used to that kind of intimacy. Lots of thrashing. Screaming. Scratching. My face looks like I've been in a fight with a cat. She has a cry like you've never heard. Eyes rolling back in her head. She is freaking out. Like, really freaking out. Sena yells out strange names in the night and whimpers. Truly heartbreaking. The big girls are having a hard time. Sena isn't sure what being in a family looks like. Mealtime is chaos. What's a high chair? Wait, why are you passing around that bowl!? Is the food leaving!? Cannot.let.go.of.food. Walks around with hands full of food at all times. Wants the steaming pot of pasta from the stove. Like, really won't stop screaming until she has all the food within her reach. Eats until she's sick most days. Lots of doctors visits. Parasites. Giardia. Ringworms. Tapeworms. Still not sleeping. Up every hour most nights screaming. We move her to her own room. We take turns laying on a mattress on the floor next to her. Biological kids starting to get really annoyed. Hitting and pouting are common. Sena cannot express herself so she bites. How do I discipline!? Probably can't spank her. But timeout just makes her laugh! We are weary. Outnumbered. Stressed. Dirty. Starting at each other every night wondering what on earth we've done to our lives. Laundry. Yeah right! Meals are still being brought over. We invite friends in. It may be breaking the attachment rules, but we need to see faces. I need to know the world is still spinning outside my messy house. All the kids eat way too many French fries. I yell at Sena for nothing then yell at Zoe and Nora. I've never yelled at one of my kids in almost three years. But I'm practically screaming at them today. My biological kids are huddled on the couch together so confused. Did a crazy person take over our mommies body!? I seriously consider checking myself into the crazy house. Kidding. But really. It was bad. But then.....Sena starts eating and leaving her food on the tray. She's starting to believe another meal is coming. She still wakes up at night but is now handing me her blanket and bottle and saying "night night" to the family. Welcoming my embrace and giggling with kisses from sisters. Rocking peacefully in my arms until her chubby sweet body just collapses into sleep on my chest. The death grip on the bottle is softer. In fact, once the milk is gone she tosses it down. Maybe she believes me that a new bottle will come again tomorrow. Or in a few hours. Who are we kidding. She starts to play alone. She looks back to check on me, but she's not so scared all the time. She starts napping. We still have sibling jealousy. But it's a little better. We go one or two days and realize that nothing horrific happened. No one spazzed out for 3 hours for no reason in the grocery store. We actually fold some laundry. Zoe introduces her baby sister to all her friends and teachers. Maybe I didn't ruin everyone's life after all. Sena starts talking. She follows directions. She runs to daddy in the evenings with open arms. She is learning that we are her family. I notice less crumbs everywhere. Hold on!? She didn't carrying food everywhere today. She is still fiercely independent. Mama wishes she would let herself just be a little more dependant on her. Just be a baby. But she is softer. She loves to be loved and to give love. Life is creeping back into normal territory. The big girls love their little sister so much. She loves them so much. Pulling the covers over my head and cringing at the day ahead is happening much less. We aren't just surviving or coping. Most days we are living life. We are adjusting. We are going to play dates and the park. We are making play dough and singing in the kitchen. We are icing Halloween cookies and licking the bowl. I am enjoying being a mommy again. My confidence in this whole parenting thing is slowly being restored. It's still hard. So hard.

But worth it. To watch a little human flourish under the care of a real family is a miracle that everyone should witness. We are a family. Sena is part of our family. We are lucky to have her. ❤️