The truth is, this waiting is so hard. I didn't know my heart could hurt so bad. This process of adoption has focused my mind on God and His love in such a new and refreshing, comforting, real way. But it doesn't take away the pain of looking at a little person, your daughter, and not being able to hold her. The pain of someone asking how old she is and realizing, "wait, that's not right! 3 months have come and gone." The pain of knowing this time will never be ours. This is just one, two, three, four, five, six......more months she doesn't have a mommy and daddy of her own. Hasn't she been through enough? The pain of being at the mercy of a legal system. That's what it is. A system where your child is a number. If the number gets drawn in time maybe we can shave a few months off her time as an "orphan", but maybe not. The pain of seasons coming and going, but not like in a pregnancy. This person is here in the flesh, on this earth. The pain of wanting to stand on a mountain and yell and make sure people realize that your little girl is still in an orphanage. She still needs her mommy to rock her and sing songs to her and kiss her perfect perfect little button nose. The pain of how alone it feels to not have many real people in the flesh to talk to about being this kind of mommy. Just wanting to sit in a room full of other moms going through the same thing so we can cry and drink wine and just relate. The pain of each new and exciting step, but the realization once the high wears off that now we start another 5 month process. The fear of not only missing the first birthday, but what about the second? It's just too much sometimes.
But fear is not of the Lord. I know this. I have faith. Unwavering faith that God will finish what he began for this little girl. But my human side is sad. So sad. I have a whole in my heart that I've never experienced before. Praying for God to fill this space with his love and praying even harder that my little girl feels nothing but the presence of the Lord in her little heart that wears many more holes than mine.
Thanks for listening sweet friends!
Kayla
2 comments:
So much of what you said in this post is what I have felt/have experienced etc over the last 5 weeks since losing Chance. Our situations are entirely different, I get that, but the same idea of having a longing and a hole in our heart that only God can fill until we see our sweet child. Hope that makes sense.
I will be praying for you during this time of waiting.
P.S. I can totally arrange a night for wine and chocolate if needed! :)
I certainly can't fully understand the emotions you are dealing with during this time, but I'm still praying often for time to speed up for you all and your sweet girl!
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