Just some thoughts

A couple days ago I asked my mom to go with me to babies r'us. I am the last of a long line of women in my family who have had babies so you would think I would know what I need or have some opinions or something. Nope. I know nothing. I just figured if/when I ever got pregnant I would just ask people what they did. I mean why research and read lots of books when you can just ask experienced mommies/your identical twin sister. Right?? Plus, my mommy mindset up until recently, consisted of me adopting and having a two year old only child.

Anyway, we walked aisle after aisle and I became more and more, well, freaked out. When we got to the "twin" nursing pillows that were the size of a baby cow I started to tear up and politely asked if we could end this little outing. ;)

It's not that I'm not excited. I know that goes without saying, but baby stuff is overwhelming. There is just so much. Its all so big. It's so expensive. It seems excessive, but then you talk to moms and realize it's actually not excessive but necessary. And things are generally just not made with twins in mind.

What initially triggered my interest in starting to look at stuff were the questions I was getting about my thoughts on strollers and cribs and nursing. I realized I couldn't answer them because I hadn't given it any thought (well nursing a little)!

So now I am starting to think about it all a little more and am slowly coming to the realization that two babies will come and they will be here in 6 months. It is finally starting to sink in and I think it is only human to have a few moments where it is just almost impossible to comprehend.

Lance and I are just having so many conversations that we never thought we would have and sometimes laugh that one of us actually just said "Well, we will move this bed into this room so we have room in the back of the house for all 3 cribs!" Or, "I guess we can get a van so we can easily fit 3 car seats." I am laughing as I type because it is just so crazy, yet so real and I think sometimes if I didn't laugh I may cry! ha! Tears of joy of COURSE! ;)

Ok, one work day left and then I am off for the week!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Names

Names are set! We have 4 names picked out for all possible gender combos! We wanted to have names picked before we find out the genders in a few weeks. We sat down and threw around names each night. We landed on our girl names really quickly and the boys took a bit longer. Well, a lot longer. But here they are. I CANNOT wait until Dec. 8 when we find out with family and friends if our little Jane Jordan will have sisters, brothers or both when she gets home!! :)

Girls:

Nora Beth & Zoe Rose

Boys:

Zeke Samuel & Henry Miles

Boy/Girl combo:

Nora Beth & Zeke Samuel

According to all the old wives tales I am having girls. I have been sick, craving sweets, both babies have really fast heart beats and the Chinese calendar says girls! So according to Doctor google I am carrying two girls!! I stopped short of peeing in a cup and mixing it with with drano to see if it turned green (girl) or blue (boy). But it has been fun imagining and anticipating what they will be!! However, no combination will disappoint. I am just still in awe that I am even typing this post. SO thankful!!

Come on Dec. 8!!!

Loving the bump!

This past Saturday my mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes. It was so fun but I didn't really have a legitimate "bump" so it was hard to know really what to get. I could push out my belly as hard as possible and start to kind of imagine.

 

Anyway, Sunday morning when I woke up I think the babies must have known that they now had a proper wardrobe because overnight, and I literally mean overnight I got a baby bump! It was so strange, even Lance couldn't believe it. I figured maybe I was bloated or something, but nope. It hasn't gone down in the least over the past week and it is hard as a rock! LOVE IT!! :) I think I will get used to the "Oh my goodness how far along are you? Wow only that far? You look so big for being so early on!" Followed by, "Well I am having twins so I think that's why." I just love it though!! I will probably only do this whole pregnancy thing one time so I may as well get to enjoy the cute baby bump right from the start.

 

We started our second trimester this week. I have been feeling a little less sick. Chic fil a is still not my friend AT ALL but besides that most food is sounding ok these days and throwing up seems to be done! I am so thankful! Not much else going on besides working a lot at the school and just doing normal life stuff with Lance. We find out what these little munchkins are in 4 weeks!! I am counting down the seconds!! I think it will really set in once we have names and know what they will be!

 

Ok.....off to take a nice long nap before Lance gets home! Happy almost weekend! Also, if you live in Houston and didn't know the Nutcracker Market is here this weekend and it is SO MUCH FUN...IT IS CHRISTMAS ON CRACK!! I AM GOING TOMORROW WITH MY MOM AND SISTER BUT COULD PROBABLY BE TALKED INTO GOING AGAIN IF YOU WANT AN EXCUSE TO GO AND NEED A SHOPPING BUDDY!

Here are the precious boys who were dedicated to God on Sunday! Could anything be more precious in this entire world!? I didn't think so!!
 



And just so you can see the evidence, here is a pic of the little "twin bump"! My eyes are puffy because I was crying because I ran our of chocolate milk! I have to just laugh at myself about that one! I haven't had to many mood swings but I cried all through worship time at church too "happy tears" and then all through Max & Levi's baby dedication. Apparently that chocolate milk set me on a scary path for that particular day! :)

Cloud 9

I really cannot put into words how much I am on cloud 9!! We got a call from our agency and they told me that we would likely be #1 on the list before the babies were born so even though we won't be able to accept a referral until our bio babies are 6 months old it is pretty much a certain thing that Jane will be soon to follow!! And I'm pretty sure that 6 months will fly by. I have a feeling we may be a tad busy. We won't get her at 6 months but will hopefully be matched at 6 months and then 5 more months or so of paperwork and travel will be required. Our caseworker called us and we joked about how we said we were open to twins from Ethiopia. She said she would wait until I wasn't sleep deprived before she asked me if we were still open to twins from Ethiopia. Ha!!! I kept trying to reword asking Lance if we could take twins from Ethiopia and he kept saying "no". Our conversations went something like is:

Me: "So think we would want to accept a referral for twins?"
Lance: "no"
Me: "Like "no" "no" or "wait and decide later kind of "no"
Lance: "ummm I think like "no" "no".
Me: " we'll you never know....we may think raising twins is so easy that we wanna do it again! Do you see that happening?"
Lance: "We'll I don't see us taking twins if that's what your asking....the chances seem very small"

Oh Lance....love him!! :)

We also had our 12 week ultrasound today. The babies looked perfect!!! It has been soaking in all day how thankful I am and how amazing/crazy this all is!! I have literally been bouncing around all day.

Since we are having twins we go a little more often for ultrasounds and actually start doing the high tech ones at 17 weeks. Meaning we should know the gender of the babies in 5 weeks!!!!!!! We are going to have a twin gender reveal party with 2 cakes and I have literally been dreaming about this event my whole life and never thought it would happen!! I have been asking God for twins since I was 10 years old!!!! Like I said, cloud 9! 

I am also more conscious lately of my uninterrupted time with Lance. We love us some "us" time and I know it's slipping away quickly. Well we probably have 6 months left to be exact. Yikes!!! I don't want the babies to come and feel like I regret not soaking in all our time together. I am so relieved to be about out of the first trimester (I actually don't know technically when that is) and now I'm glad we have several months left. I want to make the most of this time because I really do love our little life together as just the two of us. As much as we have wanted a baby, we have always feared the change in dynamic. And I could be wrong but I think twins and a third shortly after from may change the Agan dynamic up a little bit!!

But we are so thankful!! I feel beyond blessed! I told Lance to tell me if I ever complain because I don't have a thing to complain about on this earth! I am so blessed and cannot believe that God not only chose us to experience this miracle of pregnancy but has also chosen us to understand his love for us even more by letting us experience first hand what he did for us when he adopted us. We get to mold a child into our family just like God molded us into His. We will get to watch all this love unfold in our little family and my heart could burst right out of my chest!!

Ok off to sanitize our house. I forgot to mention that Lance and I had a horrible stomach bug. I mean horrible!! We couldn't walk or move for 24 hours straight. We both went to work Tuesday and both ended up at back at home in bed by noon. Lance actually threw up in his office while leading a conference call. When I got home he was already in bed and in the most pathetic voice he told me this whole story. I really got so tickled I could not stop laughing. We were both laying in bed SO sick....and I really laughed for 15 minutes. Then everytime I thought about it for the rest of the day I laughed. It was good comic relief amidst lots and lots and lots of throwing up! But at least the babies pulled through. After every horrible vomiting spell I would put my hands on my belly and apologize to the poor babies for the torture! Ok off to clean!! Happy November....which is national adoption month! :)/div>

I didn't write this but I LOVE it!

I have had little Jane and adoption on my heart all day. One of those days where I have been thinking about orphans all day and every child that walked into my office made me think about one just like them without a family. It kills me. Causes me actual physical pain. 

I have had a selfish week. I really don't know how else to put it. I have been a such a little brat all week. I have been dwelling on things that really aren't that big of a deal. I got caught up in the nasty comparison game and started feeling a little bad for myself for the things I lack. I lost sight this week of what matters. I lost sight of what is truly important to me. 

I came across this post and couldn't have said it better myself. I am a waste of space on this earth if I forget that my purpose it to love others. Regardless of my job or finances or anything else. I am worthless if I think I am here only to be comfortable. I am way off if I am more worried about having extra money to fix up my house than about saving extra money for our adoption or helping others adopt. Why this is such a constant battle I will never know. But what I know for sure is that God designed us to start new each day and beg him to make our hearts like his. I have to beg away the selfishness each day. Thank goodness God can change our hearts!! 

Enjoy this post. I had to smile reading the part about the couple talking about adoption in bed. No words can describe the feeling of hearing God call you specifically to something and saying yes. It gives me chills just thinking about it! If you honestly ask God what he wants from you he will reveal it....no doubt! Fear literally morphs into joy!! Its such an amazing, supernatural thing. 

One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

~ Mother Teresa

Image with me for a minute… 

Right now, today… you are small and alone. 

You are hungry and lost. 

You have no home, no parents, and seemingly no future. 

You are scared, and weak, from days without food. You have no where to go, no where to be. 

People walk by you but they don’t even look your way.

 It’s like you are invisible, nothing. 

You keep walking, your feet are bleeding and sore… and yet still you manage to cling to the small bit of hope, the little voice inside your head that says maybe, just maybe, one day things will get better. 

Maybe one day -you will matter. 

It is getting dark outside- inside your fear is growing. 

Where will you go? 

Your heart is beating faster, and your fear becomes over whelming, consuming your every thought. 

Then you see it, a dirty, broken cardboard box and you bow your head thanking God for His provision. 

For you have found it- shelter. 

Safety, if only for one night. 

You slip underneath it, hugging yourself, vowing once again not to cry- because by now you know tears are a waste of your strength. 

Your eyes become heavy, despite the sweltering temperature. 

As you begin to drift off to sleep you pray, hoping, dreaming, of a family of your own one day... 

of a place where you will matter...

to someone.

Half away around the world is a family... 

They are just sitting down to dinner together. 

They are smiling and their laughter fills the room. 

Dinner is served and they bow their heads and they pray- thanking God for their many blessings… their home, their job, the food that is set before them. 

They lift their heads and go back to the laughter and the joy. 

They talk of their upcoming vacation plans, the lunch date they shared with a friend today and the movie they plan to see this coming weekend.

More laughter, more excitement, more. 

As the leftovers are scraped into the garbage can and the table is cleaned up, hot bubble bathes are taken by all. 

Evening settles in, and the family slips under their down comforters preparing for a good nights sleep. 

Before turning out the lights, the husband leans over to kiss his wife good-night. She shyly smiles at him and begins to tell him that she has been feeling that perhaps God is calling them to adopt. 

The room grows quiet as they are both lost in their own thoughts… their minds are flooded with questions, concern, and then inevitably -fear. 

How could they manage? 

Another child?

Why, they already have two! 

Where would they put the child? 

Who would share a room? 

How could they afford to adopt? 

Would they be able to take that vacation? 

What would people think? 

What if the child, you know, caused ‘problems’?

As their eyelids become heavy, they begin to drift off to sleep... and they think to themselves ‘surely not’. 

Surely God knows this is not convenient. 

Surely God wants them to take that vacation they deserve...

Surely he knows how busy they are. 

They have plans and they have dreams.

As sleep overcomes them, the temperature in their master bedroom is perfect… and their pillows are fluffed to perfection. 

Life is good for them, just as they had planned... 

Because after all, they matter...

Too much...

to themselves.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. "- 1 John 3:16-20

Well......

I really don't know how to put this so I will just spit it out. We are pregnant....with twins!

I have been a bit hesitant to post because we have been SO adoption focused and I feared people would think we were stopping the adoption. NO WAY!!! You would literally have to fight me and I would win hands down in a fight over my little Jane Jordan!

We have told our wonderful adoption agency and they were thrilled for us and SO supportive! We will keep moving down the list like normal and just see how things pan out time wise. But yes yes yes we are still adopting! I would be lying if I told you I have not had a few moments of anxiety since finding out we were having twins. I mean HELLO....TWO BABIES! We never even thought we would be pregnant with ONE! However, I love them both so much already. The second we saw those TWO little heart beats I was a mom of twins. Anxiety was replaced by love in that moment!

We have quite the story about pursuing a concurrent domestic adoption and then having those doors closed and then pursuing some other things as well. It's a long story that I don't really feel comfortable putting on the blog for now. However, feel free to come ask me if you would like!

I WILL be posting updates on my babies!! My "tummy" babies are looking great and measuring right on track at about 10 weeks! I have been very sick. The kind of sick that is pretty much 24/7. It has been kind of tough working and just doing life. However, as Lance keeps reminding me, I am growing two people and that can't be easy! However, I will take every ounce of nausea and throwing up! It just means my babies are growing strong! Love them already!

My little Ethiopian baby is hopefully safe in her mommies tummy or being safely taken care of somewhere. We didn't move this last month so we are still at #17. It will be interesting to see how this will all play out. I wish I could know what God knows at times like this!! But I love that little girl so so much and can't wait to meet her.

It's an odd feeling to get pregnant when your mind has been on adoption for so long. I thought I would feel torn about what to do or what to read. Do I read about adoption or nursing!? Attachment parenting or childbirth!? I thought it would be hard to mentally balance the two but it really isn't. It's hard to answer questions about time lines because we really just can't see or anticipate the future on this one. But I don't feel torn or like I abandoned Jane. God is the giver of life and He saw us as fit to handle this. Oh. My. Goodness!

I had dinner last night with my mom and she looked at me and said, "Can you even really believe this!?" And I really can't. I am surprised after each ultrasound that there are actually two human beings growing in my belly.

I know a lot of people adopting are adopting out of a history of infertility and believe me I know infertility well. The amazing blessing of all this is not wasted on me. I know someone is bound to read this and feel pain. That makes me really sad because I know the feeling. Wanting to adopt with 100% all your heart while still longing to have a biological child is really hard and can cause lots of guilt. But it should not!! God made most women to desire biological children and you should never feel bad for having that desire or for not having that desire for that matter. Sorry I just had to throw that in there!!

I will forever understand the challenges that infertility and adoption and the whole thing that can bring. I will always understand the roller coaster of emotions and ever changing feelings. I can sympathize with the guilt trip you can put yourself on at times and have become familiar with the hurtful comments others can bring simply out of a lack of understanding. I know that you can want to adopt with all your heart and at the same time want to throw your computer in the trash so you don't have to see another post like this one. Another person pregnant...yippee. I really just totally get it!

All that to say we are thrilled! We do not deserve these blessings but we are thankful. Thank you for always praying for our family and please continue to pray for us as we go from 2 to 5 rather quickly!

 Both babies....best friends already! :)

 Baby "A"

Baby "B"

 

Sorry these are fuzzy. They are pictures of pictures. But they were moving all around today at the ultrasound. We could see the little hands and feet. We saw their brains and blood flowing through their little bodies. Hear their heartbeats too. It was hard for the doctor to get a clear picture because they were moving so much!  It really is just so amazing! But everyone is happy and healthy and there are definitely TWO growing babies in my belly. So crazy!

Update!!!

Sorry I have been MIA!! Started work, huge change and learning curve, but I'm in my car at 3:30 on the dot and loving it! Lots of other stuff going on too that I will post about later but for now let's get to the news of the MONTH!!!! We are now #17 on the waiting list for Jane!! Umm can you believe that!?!? I opened my email this morning and just stared at the screen for a second slightly confused and then was freaking out with excitement!! We have moved 21 spots total since we started waiting and some of those months have been SLOOW movement so if you do the math and things continue to move along we are definitely over half way there!! Oh little Jane we can't wait to meet you!!!